I need to vent some anger but I don't know how to do it. I wanna cut myself, it's a thought which has been standing in my mind for days now. But I don't do it. I don't know why, perhaps because I haven't been doing it for several years. I read the list of things to do instead of SI, there are a lot of ideas to vent, and I know that if I'm busy I'm well, with my mind and my body, if I'm not sitting and if I do something active I feel better, but the issue is that I don't know what to do because I expatriated recently and here where I am there's nothing for me. I moved to a small country from a big metropolis, my mind and my body can't adapt. I'm always sick and angry and nervous and... I don't know what else.
I live in a nice flat but I hate it because I'm always in, I don't have a job because I'm learning the languages I need to work here, but in my life I've never been without anything to do, I've always done interesting things, always! And now I'm here, in this bloody country where I can't do what I wish to do.
I'm always alone. I've just married, my husband is wonderful and really patient but he works a lot and I don't have friends here because I moved a few months ago. My husband is worried, I was fine before moving, and now I'm sad and angry and stressed. I don't smile anymore, furthermore my body is rebelling and I'm often sick. I'm addicted to sleeping pills. Sometimes I have outbursts of anger, sometimes I'm totally off, sometimes I cry, but that's only what he sees. He doesn't know that I wish to cut myself, that I'm so attracted by knives, that I wanna hurt me not to think to all the other stuff. I wanna destroyed things, too.
I feel guilty towards my husband and also my dog. If I don't cut myself when I wish to, maybe it's thanks to my dog. I look at her and I stop. Or... I think of her which is in the other room and I stop. It's a bit strange but it's true.
Now it's 4 p.m. and I don't know what to do. The home is a disaster but I don't mind. The sky is grey. I loathe this city, I loathe this life, but I don't know why.
Really sorry for my English...