Ok it's not quite the end because I'm still going to go to group but I did say goodbye to the overpriced not-very-convincing-or-effective-to-me individual DBT counselor yesterday.

I saw her 6-7 times and never felt a connection. I don't think it was her so much as the DBT approach to therapy.

My plan now is to keep going to group for at least a few more times but go back to a regular talk therapist for individual counseling. For now it looks like that will be Backup T.

(Backup T. is a guy I saw 5-6 times before I started the DBT program. He said it would be too many therapists if I did the program and continued with him so he was going to step back while I did the DBT thing but would remain as a "backup" T. for me.)

I went to see Backup T. this week to ask his advice about an overall strategy for treatment, NOT necessarily to ask him to agree to be my primary therapist again. In fact I said I was totally willing to try to find someone else who is more prepared to take on the challenge of a patient with a possible BPD diagnosis, even though I think it's mild. He said, however, that he didn't feel like it was necessary for me to do that, kind of implying that maybe he would be up for it.

Of course that made me feel good but I'm also aware that I was my most charming self in that particular session with him. I can talk a good game sometimes and I made it sound like treating whatever is broken in me should be a snap. I made it sound like I would be the ideal client since I'm smart and motivated and "not that bad".

But really I've been doing a lot of reading and research, lately from a text book on Schema Therapy for Practitioners, and I really think that the kind of treatment that I need is not going to be easy or quick at all.

I hope what I'm going to say next doesn't make anyone feel bad because I know a lot of you have histories of abuse so maybe consider this a kind of trigger warning to stop reading now if you think this might make you feel badly and many, many apologies if it does. I am so, so sorry for those of you have tragic and painful childhoods.

I don't have a history of abuse.

I have something else.

There were no adults around at all when I was growing up. It's not my parent's fault; there were extenuating circumstances. I've always seen my childhood as happy because I grew up in a beautiful place and nothing bad happened to me. I'm realize I'm sooooo fortunate not to have a history of CSA. Any number of horrible things could have happened since I was a kid alone but they didn't, thankgod. I was alone most of the time but I was always okay.

The problem is I guess I didn't learn a few things that kids with active relationships with parental figures learn so I need to go back and learn those things now. I really like the idea of limited re-parenting talked about in Schema Therapy. but I'm not at all confident I can find someone who wants to invest years in doing such intensive work just to help some 36 year old woman finally stop acting like a needy little girl.

So I'm back to regular old CBT, the kind of therapy I've tried for years that hasn't worked for me so far. I figure it's better than nothing. And maybe by reading about how kids grow up and get their basic needs met i can somehow re-parent myself. I know it sounds kinda crazy but i did once. I can do it again. And maybe Backup T. can help.

I don't have any other ideas.