I was going to write that I am really bored with my T - but actually I am not sure that is quite right.

I think there are all sorts of things going on. I am bored I guess, I sit there not being able to "do it" and am losing confidence that I ever will.

I am sure T must be bored of me and that he gets more out of seeing other clients.

I am also wondering whether as I am feeling pretty numb right now, that I just want to stir everything up, cause a little chaos and get to feel, regardless of what those feelings are.

So I am trying to slow myself down, don't want to make the wrong decision. But then I wonder whether there is ever a wrong decision. I can see the benefits of sticking with the same T - it has taken alot of hard work to even get this far, but if you only ever drive the same car, how do you build confidence in being able to drive a range of cars - or in other words being able to eventually open up to T is no guarantee that I will then have more open relationships with other people.

So then I think there are real benefits to quitting and starting with someone new. It will be the same "me" that I take with me and therapy is about me isn't it? So why not take that risk, get to have feelings again, even the anxious ones.

Or is this about my father dying - am I scared of getting any closer to T, knowing that one day will come when it will be the last time I see him - so let's get out quick before that deep attachment comes.

What do I have to loose?