It's been 7 months since I made that post. For a long time, questions would keep popping into my head about what happened, why it happened, stuff like that. I was able to push them out of my mind, mostly, but even now those thoughts sometimes still creep back.

We don't talk about what happened anymore. She would get angry anytime I tried to bring it up after the initial confrontation. Talking made me feel better, but made her feel worse. She didn't like being reminded of the guilt and the humiliation of me finding out. So to spare her that pain I've had to bury a lot, and try to move past it. I do it because I love her, but I don't think she understands how hard it is. I think she expects me to just shrug it off.

Something I don't think I'll ever be able to get over is the fear that it's going to happen again. Not so much if, but when. She doesn't communicate very well, and I think she uses varying degrees of cheating as a way of lashing out emotionally. She did it several times to her ex, but I never imagined it would happen to me. I'm not him. I'm not the jerk that he was. I guess I should have seen it coming.

I'm not sure if I'm just overly sensitive now, and have an increased need for communication, or if our ability to communicate with each other has been damaged by this mess. We don't talk like we use to. It's a struggle to get her to talk about her emotions and feelings. That's hard for me, because I'm a very emotional guy.

I feel part of me slipping away, not caring anymore. Ever since it happened I've been thinking about moving back to my hometown. I don't want to give up on us, but sometimes I feel like I'm in this alone with someone who wants to pretend that everything is fine. It's not fine. Things have changed, and to me that's a tragedy.

I just want things to be the way they were before. Sometimes I feel like she's faking it; being happy with me. To what end, I've got no idea. There's nothing in it for her, except maybe saving face in front of her family.

I feel like damaged goods; like part of my psyche has been permanently scarred. If I did end it, move back home, find someone else, would the fear still be there?