hey.

> i guess i'm just looking for a way to explain the things that i see as happening that can't just be explained by mania/depression, although they worsen when i'm in those states, they're always somewhat problematic: in that they niggle at me and make me feel incomplete somehow.

i understand what you mean about wanting an explanation, a way to make sense of things. i guess i just think that dx's don't explain or make sense of anything. i mean... (hypothetical made up example)
Q 'why do i feel SO GOOD sometimes and do crazy stuff'
A 'because you have manic episodes'
how does saying 'you have manic episodes' EXPLAIN what is happening? having mania doesn't CAUSE the symptom, mania is just a label or an alternative description for the symptom.
Similarly:
Q 'why do i find it hard to feel close to people?'
A 'because you have borderline personality disorder'
but saying you have borderline personality disorder doesn't EXPLAIN why you have the symptom, the label borderline personality disorder is just a name that is given to the symptom (and other symptoms besides).

I'm just saying that i don't know that dx facilitates explanation or understanding...

> my tdoc thinks i hate invasion because i was in an operating theatre/incubator for a long time as a baby, and i hate people coming near me physically, she thinks because sub/un conciously i never know whether they're coming to hug me or inject me with something. it kind of makes sense.

sure. but maybe you would feel the same way even if you hadn't been in that incubator... or maybe you wouldn't. symptoms arise from such a complex arrangement of genes and genetic predisposition and environmental and social factors that it is likely that there are COMBINATIONS of things... so very many things that contribute that in a way searching for THE thing, THE cause is... kinda futile in a way. because it never is just any one thing. but yeah we need to make sense of stuff... i think sometimes it is about... finding the contributing factors that are in our power to change.

but in all this...

are you relatively happy with being socially aloof... or would you like to feel more connected to people? a lot of people want to feel more connected than they currently do. a lot of people. a lot of people with a lot of different dx's. and a lot of people (with a lot of different dx's) find that stuff like... fear that others will hurt them or leave them or not like them... holds them back from seeking and maintaining connections with others.

that could be something to work on if you would like to feel more connected to others. but people vary in the degree of intimacy they want with other people. and people can vary over time too. if you are happy then i would say there isn't a problem. but if the emptiness... is a kind of lonliness... and if you would like to feel closer to people than you do typically feel... well... in a way i think that this is something most people struggle with a bit. people without mental health disorders even. it is something that you could work on if you want.

> the problem is that ALL my sexual encounters (and when i was very ill with bpolar, there were a lot of them) have felt wrong, have made me feel bad, i've hated every single one of them.

maybe... you are a person who finds sex to be very intimate. something... that only would feel comfortable with someone who you really cared about and were close to. someone who you were in a long term relationship with. lots of people feel that way (guys too). i know the stereotype goes that guys don't feel that way though women tend to feel that way more but i've met exceptions on both sides. i talked to a guy a couple months back who felt used and dirty and really didn't enjoy his sexual encounters either.

maybe it would be different if you came to really care about someone and it was more an act of intimacy than casual sex (or comperably more casual sex) is. maybe... i would say that it would only be a problem if you met someone and decided you wanted to be with them long term and then you had trouble with that with them. you might find that if you met someone that there wouldn't be trouble with that with them.