About a month ago I finished my first full year of college. I go to a local university and commute there every day; so I don't live on campus. People have told me that you don't get the full college experience as a commuter and considering how I haven't made any friends this has added on to my depression. But the biggest problem that I have is something that happened right before I started college. A little over a year ago, one of my father's friends died in an accident. His son was unable to get an Associate's Degree at least because he screwed up while in college (chose to party) and didn't accumulate enough credits. He had to quit and start working to support his mother who barely speaks English. The incident frightened me. I couldn't stop thoughts of my own father dying in a sudden accident leaving me without any sort of diploma to help out my own mother (who also barely speaks English). I managed to calm down and be rational before starting college with a serene approach. But my mother has ruined it completely. Every time I might slip up a little or if the topic comes into the conversation, she brings up the incident again, drilling it into my head and guilt-tripping me into studying harder. I'm not a party student, in fact I consider myself to be quite studious... but this whole incident and all of these "what if" thoughts keep getting in the way. Which was partially why I wasn't able to make any friends because I was just too depressed to even try.

I went to seek counseling that we have on campus and joined group therapy. I had to tell my mother about it (since I'm a commuter and she needed to know where I was when classes were over). I asked her not to tell my father though. But in the end, I feel like she can't even connect that my lack of friends and this incident is what driving me over the edge. I don't talk to her about my therapy sessions... it's not safe. She has a way of manipulating everything that comes out of your mouth and twisting it to her own liking. That is why I never share anything personal with her because the fear of having it all thrown back in my face will only push me farther into depression. It's not that my parents don't support me financially. They just never do so emotionally. And the crying late at night for no reason has only increased now that summer has started. I don't take any summer courses so I feel like I'm being useless if I'm not nearing to acquiring my diploma. I got an internship but it requires me to work alone all the time and I'm thinking about quitting because being alone is only making it worse. I just feel like a useless blob of crap and my mother keeps telling me to relax during the summer while at the same time reminding me of the incident. It's like a non-stop circle of chaos and hypocrisy.

I'm so lost.