I'm living in Luxembourg and I come from Italy. My English isn't so bad when I write but I struggle to understand when the others speak and it's a huge wall not allowing me to communicate and to be myself. In these months I never have been joking with an unknown person, never exchange a word different than those necessary. I've known some people but we're not really friends. One of them is leaving. Another one is always busy even if she says that she's desperate because she doesn't have anything to do. And the others are people I go out with only because I have noone, they're people I wouldn't have get a relationship with. This isn't my life.
I don't wanna live only for my husband. As you say, Forgive77, it's hard when you're husband is the only thing you have, esp if he's gone all the time. Having no other is unacceptable. I hate living in this way, this isn't me.
I don't thing all this is in connection with BPD, anyway I'm not new to this kind of problems. I was diagnosed with BPD about ten years ago and I've been better over time with the right meds and the right therapist but I'm maladjusted so I'm not able to adjust to this situation.
I'd have dinner with my husband's parents tonight (they live here, as well), they must introduce us to one of their friends. He's a traveller and we still have to go on honeymoon so he could help us to choise a destination but I don't wanna meet him. I don't wanna meet anyone, I'm not in the right mood, I'm not an interesting person, I have nothing to say, I doesn't exist, so how can I speak with the others? I'm too nervous and angry, I can't be polite and over all... who cares of the journey when lives **** for the rest of the year?
Send a message to my husband. Full of anger. Saying that for above-mentioned thoughts I'll tell her mother I'll not join them because of the fever (obviously I haven't). I said "go alone and see you on monday" because he's working the whole weekend. Yes, I'll be alone the whole bloody weekend.
I don't wanna hear them saying how is beautiful living here, asking if I like living here, listening about their perfect life, full of satisfactions, full of money, full of everything. I can't hear them anymore. I could really blow up this time.
My husband's parents... they always speak of them, their life, their things, they are so satisfied, so busy, so perfect, so happy their son's coming back, so happy their other son's giving them a grandson, they think I'm better here than in Italy, my mother-in-law (oh, I hate this expression!) tries to involve me in stupid things not interesting to me, she's pissed me off! She doesn't understand... they don't understand that my life here sucks! I could tell them tonight and for this reason I don't wanna go.
Anyway, thanks for suggesting that book, Forgive77. I read a lot and maybe I'll buy it.