First off, I am very similar to you in how I used to look at Bipolar. I had loved ones, the few people closest to me in my life, tell me I was bipolar and to get it looked into. For about 13 years I avoided looking into it until very recently and a few docs have agreed with what my family and girlfriends have said... I'm bipolar.

This week I had a counselor tell me something that really helped me with coming to terms with this. Once you get a diagnoses, it does NOT change the person Rue is, but it sure gives Rue a better chance to help herself get better. I really believe that. You are Rue, your name and personality does not change once you get a title for the things that have been bothering you. You just have a better chance to help fix the things that eat at you.

So embrace bipolar and admit to yourself what you are, because (as cheesy as it sounds), the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one. And only you need to embrace it, it doesn't mean you have to go on a tour and tell all your friends and family you're bipolar. You just have to admit to yourself what you are and then understand you can get help. Even if friends and family don't understand your issues, you got people that love you.

I snipped that part of the quote because it made me wonder... are you telling all doctors the same thing you tell the counselors? Or do you vent everything to a counselor but hold back from an MD? Seeing you say "I never told them..." made me wonder. Because the only want to get the proper help is to be honest with the professionals you are having help you. That could be easier said than done if you are not comfortable with the people who are helping. I would say keep looking for someone you can be comfy with so you can pour your heart out, that will get you the help you need.

I saw a counselor twice early this year, told her that I had to look into bipolar and she asked some questions about it. I was "fine" at the time (which is part of bipolar, sometimes you are manic, other times depressed and once and a while right in the middle) so I was in a mood to tell her "Things are fine, I am coping with everything at the moment". It was like my mind was smart enough to not let people know what was really wrong. And that did NOT help me. It led me to more months of incredibly impulsive behavior, depression and I ruined 2 relationships in that time period. My more recent experience I have been much more honest with counselors and my doc and it made me realize I need help, I can't do it alone. Honesty is key, I think.