or really what you think it was?

I'm not saying I think I made it up or that I don't remember because I do. I'm saying what if it wasn't what I think it is?

Objectively, what if I am at fault here? What if any belief I have that I am not in the wrong is just selfishness or confirmation bias?

I don’t remember a time when my dad and I weren’t having violent arguments all the time. Maybe I was just really out of control and he didn’t know what to do with me.

It was never like that with my brother as much as with me. He got it but not like I did. If I just taken my punishment in the first place maybe it would never have escalated like that.

--Trigger---sorry!

For example I remember one time when I was eight or nine, we were fighting and he was hitting me and hitting me and I ran off to my room and he followed and I was just screaming at him to leave me alone, get away from me, blah blah blah and he picked me up and dropped me in the shower. I felt really out of control; red in the face, terrified, fighting him. After that he went off somewhere and my mom was there and I was shaking and crying and trying to calm down and my mom asked me if maybe I needed “to talk to someone.”

What if I am just biologically messed up in some way? I feel like I need to get past this to really get better and I'm stuck on it...