For years I've blamed myself for my illness and I have struggled with self hatred and self destruction. I tried to control my condition with extreme discipline. There were years I practiced yoga and meditation for four hours a day. The mania and depression continued to disrupt my life in-spite of my efforts to control it this way. I oscillated between slow suicides and reckless behavior. I climbed cliffs without ropes. I swam across dangerous rivers. I went out drinking and wandered the streets alone in bad neighborhoods wearing slip dresses and six inch stilettos. Sometimes I would find the scariest looking guy in the bar and take him with me. I was surprised by the kindness and compassion i found in these strangers I fetched for annihilation. I found a big biker wearing a leather vest. His body was covered with tattoos of snakes and Medusa. I brought him home hoping he would rough me up. Instead he held me in his arms on my couch, consoling me until dawn. The next day he sent me flowers. Another drunken evening I found a big bald man standing almost seven feet tall. His face was covered in peircings. His body was covered in sadistic tattoos. He wore a spiked dog collar around his neck. I asked him to come home with me and spank me. I was severely depressed. as he was about to spank me with a wooden spoon he noticed the expression of sorrow on my face. He said what I really needed was a hug and some chamomile tea. He made me some tea and held me in his arms until morning came. He wrote down my address and sent my a prayer written by St Francis. I am trying to learn self compassion and stop the self destruction. I think with self compassion I can learn to ride the storms and create some stability.