I have been in a bad place for the last three days, the psychological pain is unbearable and I have been over using my ativan to get through my miseralbe life. I want to die but I cannot because of my kids but I keep having more and more ideation. I feel so angry especially when am driving, something is changing within me and I don't know what to do. I need to escape this pain within my head. I am saddened because I am not available for my children except for the basics which is like torture (feeding them, laundry ect.) sometimes I just lay on my bed or couch and cannot move. my head and psyche are making my head want to explode. Summer is coming and the kids will be out of school and I don't know if I will be able to handle it. I just don't know what to do. My kids are so special to me and I love them, but I am going through life robotically. I don't even feel like I am part of this world. I am starting to think my kids will better off without me.I look in their and I cry, I look at past pictures and cry, I cry all the time a matter of fact. I feel so guilty about being a bad mother, I am probably traumatizing them with the state I am in. I used to be able to hide it or wait until they were asleep, but I can't do it any more. Life does suck, everything goes wrong for me. I feel that I am cursed. I have no one to give me a break for awhile even a couple of hours. Sure my mother watches my 2 year old when I have an appointment but never just for me. All that is left of me is a shell, I have stopped eating, I have not one enjoyment, I cant help my kids with homework, I serve frozen meals and have actually thrown dishes out because I cant get motivated to clean them. what am i going to do, I am stuck within myself- I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate my personality, and I hate that I cant be the good mother I once was. I try to harm myself to take away the pain but it is only temporary.. My kids want me but I cant be there for them and they get angry and say I am mean or don't love. I can't stand it.