"I have been trying to live in denial of the past. Eventually, once things begin to pile up on each other, you're just waiting to see what happens next and how you'll deal with it. But really, telling myself that maybe everything wasn't so bad, am I really just making them even worse than they were? By pushing them away, it is really my way of acknowledging how I can't deal with them because they were that bad? See now, there's this part of me, now that I have had a semi-normal life since I started college, that's made those things so much bigger. It's almost like wow, how'd you do that? I can't believe you got through that.
So you knew how bad things were at the time, but eventually you get desensitized to them? hmmm.

The thing that sucks the most is that it's awful, but part of me would rather be constantly dealing with hard things. It's how it's always been. Because once you get a break, you have that time to actually enjoy life, when you get hit again it's 10x worse sometimes. You wish you'd never felt the highs because the lows seem that much lower. I hope I will understand this better one day soon."

It occurred to me recently to wonder if I am struggling with minor PTSD issues and if that may be underlying my depression? Thinking out loud.