Thank you, LMTL, for your honest, sensitive, thoughtful answer. You're right, controlling behavior does not make for a healthy marriage - and I confess to having my own version of control issues.
You're right too, that love does not have as its source fear/anger. But then, too, fear and anger are also powerful emotions that can be equated with love ... sometimes like opposite sides of the coin, as it were.
I don't mean to excuse inappropriate behavior or anything, but I also do want to try to have a compassionate understanding (something that my T and I did discuss too - having a respect for his feelings and a compassionate awareness of faults/behaviors but also not just rationalizing them or excusing things) .... because having bitterness, anger, fear, or having defiant reactions isn't going to induce anything good in my spirit or any good changes in his, either .... or make the marriage any healthier.
I keep trying to find the balance in all this .... and it is challenging.