My H used to be much more controlling. The bottom line is that i ALLOWED him to be controlling by not being clear what I wanted, by not setting my own boundaries and more importantly I had a fear of 'getting into trouble', someone being mad at me.

With therapy and with life's hard lessons, I now am much more clear about what I want, what my own values are, what I need - and I can stand up for myself in a clear and non-defensive way without anger or resentment anymore.

I think I was able to be controlled easily because I also felt guilty - guilty that I didn't measure up, guilty that I had needs, guilty that I should presume to have wants different than his.

My T has taught me that not only is it ok to have needs but that it's o.k. to try to fulfill them. It's not like I override my husband's wishes so coldly or bluntly, I will listen to him with as much respect and love as possible but if I don't agree, he knows now that I will still maintain my boundaries. If it upsets him, then it is HIS problem, not MINE.

The key is for me to be clear in my own self. Then I can be calm and loving towards him. And I no longer fear his negative emotions (well,not as much). I have the right to live my life the way I choose. Sure, compromise will always be necessary when we associate with other people but I no longer automatically default to the other person's wishes.

Good luck. I know it's tough