I am feeling the need to share - another entry from my journel.

Long and TRIGGERING!

It was this exact time last week that I learned of my father being ill. A day later he was gone.

The service is now over and I guess daily routine needs to be resumed and life has to go on. But I will never be the same again. I don't mean that in a bad way. This whole experience has affected me very deeply. I truly did not expect to feel the crushing pain that I did. I don't feel that I need to turn the clock back, but I do wish that I could speed up the grieving process a little.

The service was brief but very poignant. There were few people, but dad did not socialise much. There was one man that stood out to me. He was an old, stooped gentleman with a hearing aid and a walking stick, wearing a pin stripe suit and looking quite distinguished. I was told that my father had been teaching him computer literacy in the last few months. He is 94 years old. I was deeply touched by this. Not only by a 94 year old learning the computer, but by dad doing something like this. It is just something I never would have expected him to do.

Anyway, the service was officiated by a woman that we called a "spiritualist". She spoke of my father going onto a greater experience. I opened the service with my song. I stood right next to his casket and sang. I almost "divorced" myself from the situation just to remain composed. And I did. In fact, I remained composed throughout and only shed my tears at home. My song was very moving to all and my dad's wife said it described them so well. At the end, I leaned over and kissed his casket. (My poor husband thought my hair might catch alight on the candle). We had no flowers, as dad wasn't flowery, but there was greenery on the mantle piece with 6 candles and sandlewood incense was burning.

We placed tracks and one of his prized coaches on the casket with his favourite Snoopy (Joe Cool) character on the coach. It was very fitting and exactly what he would have wanted.

My brother flew in from half way across the world and it was good to have him there. He spoke very eloquently for our dad.

And then it was time to go. I actually didn't want to leave the casket. I didn't want to leave him behind. But I will let the memories of his love and the happy times we knew, ease the loss and make him seem very close to me.

We recorded the service and it was only when I watched this at home, that I allowed the tears to come.

My husband has not left my side through all of this. He has been an indestructable support to me and has not stopped telling me how proud he is of me and how proud he is of my strength. (I don't need to tell him how totally wobbly inside I still feel, I think he knows).

******************

My Dad's wife will be scattering his ashes tomorrow. Naturally I had wanted to go. All of a sudden I am feeling that I don't think I can. I was with him when he died and spent a half hour with him when he was dead. And then I knew he was there at the service when I kissed the coffin. Now I don't know if I can see him disappear completely in a puff of wind. I absolutely don't know what I feel. I am terrified. It is so final. I need to be there and I don't want to do it and I don't know what to do.

********************

I did not go ... and I have never regretted this. I have a beautiful DVD of my brother and Dad's Mom and Dad doing what I felt I couldn't be a part of.

Rest in Peace Dad of Mine!