I was running from love or the loss of it. Most immediately, from the lost of my husband--whose love I didn't think I deserved--and my daughter months later to cribdeath--mother's fault, everyone knew that. Earlier it was my parent's love I didn't deserve--because I wasn't competitive, didn't believe in my Mother's God, etc.

Once I was addicted, I realized it could shut down the world. I discovered the total mind wipe of a blackout. I didn't suffer a hangover in relation to one for over 20 yrs. I came to think of them as times out.