I like my general practitioner. I like her mainly because she listens and pretty much prescribes me what I have researched and requested.

BUT, when I told her I had an extremely elevated heart rate after taking Seroquel she cut it in half. A few months later my heart rate went up and a year and a half later it hasn't gone down. I think she should have tapered me off of it. I finally looked into the beta blocker she gave me (atenelol) to regulate the tachycardic heart rate possibly caused by Seroquel and apparently it's an extremely outdated model and I'm experiencing most of it's side effects, WHICH landed me in the ER again because I honest to God thought I was having a heart attack.

I currently have a trusted therapist I'm seeing twice a week, an appointment with a cardiologist who can hopefully explain why I am thirty and tachycardic and prescribe a beta blocker which doesn't make weight loss a sudden impossibility and I have an appointment with a medication psychiatrist with the hope that I can get out of side effect crazyland.

And my pdoc is "requesting" that I come see her after my cardiology appointment. Even with insurance, visits to my doctor seem both pointless and prohibitively expensive, which I have tried to explain to her. This request seems particularly so. I feel like I have lost confidence in her ability to at least prevent ER visits or understand that unneccesary medical costs cause me more damaging anxiety. And I would rather spend that money on specialists who are more up to date on their pharmacology/focus.

It sounds paranoid but I really feel like her office has used me to generate revenue and it has cost me physically and financially more than a visit to the doctor's office. Maybe i'm just processing out loud here but I'm thinking I tell her office I will come in for basic physicals every 1-2 years but I would rather have three specialists (therapist who has known me 25 yrs, psych and cardiologist) rather than have my refills withheld until another unnessary apt with a general practitioner who is not up to date with with what I need and whose prescriptions have hurt me, possibly permanently.

I just hate how vulnerable we are. When I was first diagnosed I was the financial and emotional victim of a corrupt mental health system. And even with that experience and knowledge and my intelligence I hate that am still vulnerable to any doctor. I need neurochemical regulation of my irregular brain chemistry, I thought that if I stayed on top of the research and symptoms and had a pdoc I could persuade I could basically use them to treat myself. But I need someone who has more medical knowledge than me, and the resources to be on top of new research, and the ethics to see me as more than a billable client. I spent half my income last year on medical costs related to BPD.

I had enough obstacles without the medications harming my vital organs. And I can't help but worry about people who are easily put off by treatment (for reasons I completely understand) or who take whatever a doctor tells them to. The only time I think of this as a disability is when I look at how hard I have to work to get effective treatment. I am not disabled but the healthcare system I am dependant on is disabling and there isn't an alternative. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. And this, is ridiculous.