A long post based on a really dreadful realization last night --

You know, I was thinking about it in bed last night – my life went into the toilet in 1986 and hasn’t come out since.

My childhood was a nightmare, for the first 12 ½ years (abandonment, abuse, drug addiction, a ghetto upbringing). Then I was ok – not great, but not terrible – until I was about 36 (1986). Then things got bad and just never improved.

In ’86 there was just never enough work, I was broke all the time. Men used me but no one ever loved me, family was just as judgmental and alienating as they’d always been. I get what I call “victimization times.” It’s when people seem to go out of their way to be hateful to me (like now). I’ve had them last for days, for weeks, even months. In ’86, it lasted all year. VERY hard to get up in the morning knowing that that’s what your life is going to be like that day. I went into a deep depression. Thought about suicide daily. Literally, I used to go to sleep, praying that I wouldn’t survive the night. Then, when I’d wake up in the morning, I’d cry, I was so angry I was still alive.

I filed bankruptcy in ’87. 1988 wasn’t notable for anything much. Then I was driven out of the apartment I loved by a crooked landlady and vicious tenants, in ‘89. I had to sleep on my mother’s couch – I didn’t like my mother. This was NOT a good option. But my only other option was sleeping in my car, so I stayed with her for a few months (and came very close to my first breakdown). While I was staying there, I studied graphic design at what turned out to be a rip off trade school. I was left $5,000 in debt.

In 1990 I moved into a sort of “guest house.” Had a bad year financially and almost lost it. In 1992-93 my acting career was assassinated (3 sexual harassment lawsuits). I sat around and did some traveling for the next year (trying to figure out what to do with myself, career-wise. The acting career was the only thing I'd ever wanted), then my money ran out. I had to go back to doing temp secretarial jobs (which I hate). August of ‘94 through May of ’95 my whole immediate (core) family died. I had to close estates. It took me 1 ½ years, and I had my first breakdown in October of ‘95.

In July of ’96 I moved out of California. I finally had my dream of living in the country, but it only lasted 6 months. My lease on the house I was renting was up, and my money was almost gone. There was not enough work to support myself back there. The adjustment to living in the country was very difficult. But, by the time I had to move, I was in love with it. It was like tearing off an arm to have to leave. But I got a call from someone I knew in California – an offer of work. I had nowhere to go, no family, and only enough money for one move. I HATED the idea of coming back to California, but that was the only offer I had, and my stuff was still in storage there. So, I drove back across country, crying all the way.

I spent every cent I had getting back to California and getting a cheap apartment only to discover that the job had fallen through. I spent the next 3 years destitute, “that” far away from being homeless 3 times. I had another breakdown and a suicidal depression. My cat had to be put to sleep. It was a REALLY BAD time.

In 2000, I changed careers and made some money, which was nice . But I was still in the terrible apartment building with a crooked, nasty building management company and even worse neighbors. They tried to evict me in ‘2001 (retaliatory eviction – very illegal). I had a psycho neighbor upstairs who hated me because I complained about her middle of the night vacuuming. She used to climb up on the kitchen counter and jump off, when she’d hear me in the kitchen. I have PTSD! My nerves couldn’t take it.

I found the building I’m living in and moved out in 2002. I spent months trying to recover from the harassment – went back into therapy, on (& off) meds. I became broke again, for a while. Very stressful. Then the upstairs neighbors decided they didn’t like me and started harassing me. It went on about 4 months (pounding their feet on the floor from 4:30AM-7AM each morning, going to their open door and harassing me verbally when I’d come & go, slamming pots & pans around in the kitchen, etc). I complained to the management company and they told me I could move into another apartment in the building, if I wanted to. There were 2 vacant – one downstairs and one up. I took the upstairs apartment. (I moved from downstairs front to upstairs back )

The psychos in the upstairs front apartment still harass me, when they see me outside of the building. I can’t afford to move. The management company doesn’t care. Then I discovered that the people in the building next door were in the habit of doing their laundry loudly at 12 AM, 1 AM, 2 AM, 3AM etc. – their laundry room is under our bedroom windows. I let that go for a year, then complained to the building owner. That made me a scapegoat for every hateful, childish person in that building – which is every tenant there (12 units). They began a harassment campaign – slamming their front doors at 3AM (all of the front doors are outside, no indoor hallways), slam-dunking their trash in the dumpster (my apartment is closest to their dumpster, so I get all the noise).

Harassment by bullies has been a lifelong problem. And not having money to get out of bad situations has been a problem my whole adult life.

Now that that’s finally died down some, a neighbor two apartments away from me has started – we only have 3 parking spaces for 14 units. And my back bothers me sometimes. Last weekend I was having back problems. I saw some “visitor” park in the only open parking spot and go up to that neighbor’s apartment (which meant I'd have to park blocks away and hobble back ). I just snapped. I called parking enforcement and had the car ticketed. (The management company has told me to have cars towed that belong to people who don’t live in this building). The neighbor was angry and vandalized my car, the other day. Now I have to park blocks away and walk back to the building, just so they won’t be able to take anymore of their petty revenge out on my car.

I’m also unemployed, uninsured and just had to have surgery on my face for skin cancer. Can you figure out why I’m depressed? It’s the cumulative effects of terrible life experiences for the last 20 years (and the first 12 years of my life). Can you also see why my PTSD is triggered again, and why I say I can’t see the possibility of things ever improving? This seems to be all there is in this life for me – struggle, deprivation, isolation, persecution. No wonder I don’t want to wake up in the morning. Who would, if they knew that they were just going to experience another day of pain and abuse? My dream is a house in the country, on at least 10 acres. It’ll be damned difficult to get, considering that I only seem to work half the time. (I’m a technical writer. There’s very little work. And I can’t make enough money to buy a house on a secretary’s salary. Roommates are out of the question. I have horror stories about my roommate days! ) And I'm 56 - not a lot of time left to build a nest egg.

Mind you, I’m a good person. I’m honest, I have a strong work ethic and I give my time to charity (currently, like reading books on tape for the blind and dyslexic, although I've donated time to many others), I take in strays...hey, I even feed the local birds every day, etc. No one has EVER had to complain about me in any building I've ever lived in. I don't prey on people. (The only time I take any kind of assertive action is when I feel like I'm being victimized. I won't take that and not fight back) And yet my life is hell. I know there’s no justice, but shouldn’t people have SOME enjoyment in their lives? Shouldn’t there be SOME balance? I can remember very few enjoyable times in my adult life, after my mid-30's. I never get to travel any more (no money), or even go to the movies more than once or twice a year (if that). I'm miserable all the time and go to bed dreading each new day to come (I have terrible insomnia, also).

I laid in bed last night thinking about all this and it became VERY clear to me why I'm depressed. This is a life...? What isn't clear is how to survive any longer this way, or how to make things better? I've read mountains of self help books, been in & out of therapy (when I could afford it). Nothing ever seems to work.

(Sorry this was so long)