thanks guys for your replies about explanations, that all does make a lot of sense to me, to be honest. i'm going to see my tdoc on wedn and i'll ask her about this, in an honest and open minded manner and just see what she thinks. i trust her enough to kind of go with what she says to some extent.

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maybe... you are a person who finds sex to be very intimate. something... that only would feel comfortable with someone who you really cared about and were close to. someone who you were in a long term relationship with.
maybe it would be different if you came to really care about someone and it was more an act of intimacy than casual sex (or comperably more casual sex) is. maybe... i would say that it would only be a problem if you met someone and decided you wanted to be with them long term and then you had trouble with that with them. you might find that if you met someone that there wouldn't be trouble with that with them.

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ah, that's something a lot of people have suggested but i know for a fact it's absolutely not that. the real problem i have is i hate sex, but i hate even more having to do it again. it's like, if i've slept with someone i can barely look them in the eye or speak to them, let alone sleep with them again. the first time i do it i tend to make sure i'm very very drunk, barely conscious, and if i somehow ended up going out with this person (which was never my intention) i'd try to be drunk every time, but you know, inevitably after a week or so the person will say they'd like to try it not unconscious, and that's when the problem starts. i CAN'T do it. that's when i start crying and feeling sick and throwing up at the very thought. there have been people i've been with who i've really quite liked as people but in a physical sense they repulse me. all humans do. my housemates, my family, my friends, i can't even think about any of them without clothes or i start getting the jitters. it's why i'm going on holiday alone - i don't want to be around my parents or brothers in their swimming gear. i want to be alone where i can totally regulate how much exposure i have and can use my little mantras to make myself feel ok.