My entire life I have had nothing but problems with socializing and relationships, with a vast majority of my life being spent alone because I have been unable to connect with others or find someone able to accept me, never mind love me.

Although I have desired it for a long time, I lost hope in love when I was in my teens, because all that ever happened was rejection after rejection, and in fact that summarizes my entire life with people.

But after a few devastating attempts and unrequited loves that resulted in suicide attempts, my being institutionalized, a restraining order against a school staff member, and a nightmarish road of relationships and being back to square one of being rejected all the time, I feel like I am very much back to how I felt in high school.

I have had strong feelings for my best friend, although it's not entirely logical because she's an Internet friend, because I have no friends IRL, she considers me a friend and nothing more than that, a situation called the "friend zone" as I have read online, and I think to myself, "%$#@&!!! I'm still not enough!" I can't help but think, "She's the only person in the world I have a history with and that likes me, and if she can't love me, who the heck can?"

People have told me that my time will come, fate, and all this other stuff, but to me it is like being told I am an A+ student despite the fact that I never receive an A+ in anything. As the student I sit there and think, "If I am an A+ student, how come I never achieve A+ grades?" I'm so lovable and incredible, but I can't find anything that demonstrates this in my life, since I am not loved.

I'm never enough for love. Never have been either. And this is how I come to the conclusion that I am unlovable, because there is no other conclusion I can come to.

I don't know how to cope with being unlovable. I've tried more times than I care to count and given it time, prescription drugs, rehab, social skills improvement, clubs, and it's always the same end result for me. I've also done some horrible things to myself with self-harm and planned to commit suicide in the summer of 2011 in a depressive crisis. It makes me feel crazy. It does make me think a lot about suicide. Who would want to be unlovable and forever be alone?

All I want is to be loved and have a relationship with a woman, and it is incredibly painful to confront the fact that none can see anything about me worth loving.

Thanks for reading.