I can relate. When I was younger, I felt no one could ever love me. Right now, I know you feel terrible, so I won't preach or tell you what to do. I do hope you will consider the following as a possibility for some of your difficulties. Anyway, you seem to be the contemplative type.

I sensed, while reading your post, that nonverbal communication and negative past experience with human interaction might be an explanation for some of your troubles. Perhaps, I am reading into my own life, rather than yours, so I could be way off. Maybe my problem solving tendencies are getting the better of me.

Recently, I have made some major discoveries about nonverbal communication and its role in communication. I don't know if this is addressed in social skills training, but a part of communication also involves awareness of our own mental state and our attitudes. We subconsciously convey it. NTs are great at picking these subtleties up.

I have moderate Asperger Syndrome, and find interpreting and using this form of communication hard. My difficulties in reading it, cause me to overlook good intentions and potential friendships. A life filled with rejection and misunderstanding does not help, either. It influences and hinders my ability to give an individual a chance. I automatically put everybody in the same category. Slowly, I am trying to release myself for this mode of thinking.

People often misinterpret me, because I don’t use nonverbal communication in the normal way. I tend to look away, when I talk to people. If I do look at them, I focus on the person’s mouth or forehead. This causes them to interpret me as an odd and aloof lady. I am working on this.

I am learning how to use this form of communication, appropriately. At times, it can be exhausting and uncomfortable, but its working. People are starting to reach out for my friendship. It is nice to know, that people like me. This indicates to me, I won't be alone forever. Someday, I hope to find love, too. My buddy tells me this all the time, "To find love, you need to develop a friendship first."

I also had to accept that I will never ever be normal. Once, I embraced me, I was no longer acting. Keeping quiet about my areas of expertise (special interests) has also helped.

Please don't give up. You have left a good impression on many PC members.