Thanks for the replies.

wagneriansinger: Yes, these feelings and frustrations can be overwhelming sometimes, but they’re not uncommon for me to have. I feel like I am defective and not meant to be loved.

Indeed I am in counseling and I have been for the last eight consecutive years. Probably will be in counseling for one reason or another my entire life. I’ve seen so many counselors/therapists in my life I can tell if I can work with someone almost instantly. Can do that with a lot of people. Just intuitive I suppose.

Eh, I suppose I have some positive qualities, but they haven’t seemed to do much for me, and certainly aren’t enough to be loved it seems. I’ve never denied that I have some positive qualities. The issue I have is that all the negative, defective qualities of me outweighs anything positive.

George H.: I read your comment last night and thought about it; undoubtedly, all the women I have been attracted to are all motherly, with their empathy, kindness, compassion, and other such qualities through the roof in my opinion.

When I talked to my first unrequited love after a 2 year struggle, the conversation might have been short, but I felt like she demonstrated more kindness and compassion to me than basically everyone in my life before that, comparable only those other unrequited loves.

My girlfriend that dumped me four years ago and that I have been struggling with since was like that too. She was the first person to introduce me to what hugs are, the first I openly displayed emotions to, the only person that accepted me, basically the only person I felt like I mattered to. In a life full of abuse, isolation, failure, depression, etc. it was unbelievable to have a person that I could feel safe and secure with and whom accepted me, a little breathe of heaven in my life. I had never had someone IRL that I could trust and connect with and I haven’t since. We had our own little book club, I used to pick her wild flowers, I took almost 2000 photos of us and/or her, it was indescribable.

That sums of the unrequited loves I have had (although there are a few more that are like that). Now here I am increasingly reliant on heavier medications and talking to myself and imaginary persons all day because I have nobody to talk to IRL.

What would I like? I would like someone that is thoughtful, kind, trustworthy, accepting, and cares about me IRL. I want to show someone my favourite music, my bug shed, my office, and other things important to me. I want to be hugged, have someone to call when I need to, I really want to connect with someone and be loved. Am I asking for too much?
While my best friend would likely do all this had we lived nearer, I have a hard time understanding what friendship is, and what it seems to amount to from what I’ve read online is an emotionally inferior form of a relationship and love, not real love, but more of a bonus on the side. Something must be defective about me if even she (among those other unrequited loves) can’t see me as that kind of lovable. She’ll go on and date some wonderful person and I’ll still be here thinking what the heck is wrong with me.

Roadie: I don’t understand what you mean by risking love might be too big a step?

Open Eyes: I’m discovering that there are a lot of those that ask the same question. Yesterday, I made a post on my Tumblr blog, an image, about this and it has been reblogged 50 times! It’s hard to spend each day wishing and wanting love and having to encounter nothing but dead ends in all directions. A lot of my perfectionism is associated with all this. I’ve always felt like being perfect or being accomplished with counter all the defectiveness in me, thereby making me lovable.

Didgee Eeyou: You seem to understand me well! Indeed nonverbal communication and negative experiences with human interaction are issues I have. Truthfully, I don’t even know what nonverbal communication is.

I’ve heard that NTs can sense such things in others. What does it mean to subconsciously convey something? How can anyone know that I am thinking?

A life filled with rejection does make me feel bitter and frustrated about socializing and about others. When I am most frustrated about this is when I withdraw and disappear from everyone.

I’m the same with looking at those I tam talking to - I never look into the eyes. Much of the time I hide behind polarized sunglasses that I wear so nobody can see my eyes and I can feel more secure, but I’ve been told this might make others uncomfortable, a statement I cannot understand.

I don’t understand people and all the rules of socializing. I wish that being kind and respectful was valued more than what it is instead of everything coming down to such bizarre and seemingly meaningless things as eye contact.

Leed: Thanks for your kind words .