((((Bathony))))

I am really sorry you are going through so much but I am glad that you are reaching out and talking. I agree with what pegasus said:
As a child I was told the same thing, and because I was only a child, I reacted humanly not understanding so I must have wanted it and deserved it. I am learning that it was a lie and they had to make me believe that to keep the guilt and responsibility off of them. If they could make me believe it was my fault and I wanted and liked it then I would tell no one, if I believed I was worthless, bad, and nothing then their secrets were safe. If I really loved them I would never tell and I would do what they said.

If I never told, I would not know to question or ask, I would always live in silence and alone, in their lies and guilt they placed on me. And believing I was unlovable and that God did not love bad girls that did not obey their parents and adults, and would go to the bad place made me want to be good and do what they said. Somehow being hurt through love and pain, was better than no love at all.

They used fear and terror to ingrain what they wanted me to believe. A child does not know that and we look to our parents and other adults to teach us what we don't know. They told me that they brought me into this world they could take me out, that they could make another one just like me. I only knew what they wanted me to know and I did not tell anyone. They said no one would believe me and that I would go to the bad place. I believed them, and it often even today screams loud in my head at times that I cannot get away from it or hear what the truth really is.

I have always felt I deserve nothing good in my life or that love was never for me. Maybe because love hurt and scared me so much I pulled away from any possibility it was possible or that in reality it was not supposed to be that way or even good. Being brainwashed to believe how bad I was still lingers in my head and causes me to often see nothing else, my brain was wired all wrong, I knew nothing else. Sure, I was always hurt so therefore I was the common denominator, or that is what I believed. I always caused them to have to hurt me because I somehow could not do it right, that is what they said. What else could I believe, I just always knew that. But it was another lie, the lies they wanted me to believe to justify what they needed me to believe to keep me silent.

Even in my adulthood I knew nothing else, things kept happening and still do. As a child I had to leave myself and others took over, but they were told the same things. Always put into lose/lose situations that I or those within could never win, even to the point to where we had to ask for it and thank them afterwards.We did not even know they were lose/lose situations, we could not see that or even had the knowledge to know it was lose/lose situations. It left no room to know or believe anything else. I even believed that I caused everyone that knew me to get sick or hurt. Somehow it was all my fault.

I did not know what the truth was because I did not even know what a lie was. Life was living within a lie, a lie they wanted me to believe---and I did, still to this day I struggle with that. Believing somehow it is my fault and I deserved/deserve it. Fear underlined everything within and even to the point that I feared myself and everyone else never knowing that life could and was not like that everywhere. I thought all little girls were special, and that they had others living inside them, and that love meant hurt because I was bad. I was often tricked so that no matter what I did it was wrong, because there was no way to do it right.

Always trying to know what they expected and be three steps ahead but there was no way to know for the expectations changed and often even if I did what was expected there was something wrong with it----I did not do it fast enough, or they knew my thoughts even if it was not what I was thinking somehow they made me believe it was. If I for example was folding clothes, I knew what they expected but just because it was expected that way before, they expected it folded another way this time, so I did it wrong. Even perfection was wrong, and I did not know that perfection was not possible, not in my world.

Truth is I don't deserve it, I never did. Neither do you. I am not that powerful that I can cause people to get sick even though I thought I did. I did not have the power to cause people to have problems but I thought that because someone knew me it had to be my fault. They had to make me believe that, it had to be all my fault to keep me silent----and it did until just five years ago, and even now often I struggle to say anything or talk about things.

I could never see the lose/lose situations they put me in for to me and others within that was just the way it was. I never knew that is what it even was until I finally could see it for just what it was. I could never be good enough no matter how hard I tried. I could never be loved, love did not exist if it was not something hurting or something that was expected, for in my world, if it hurt then it must be love.

I too have asked why? I perseverated over why, and still often do of the why's and how's. I often get pulled into a tornado that spins me around and around pulling everything and anything into it winds, tearing me apart and not able to stop it. But I am learning slowly and can at times feel that tornado coming on. I am beginning to stop always asking why for there are sometimes no answers or even reasons other than they were sick and they wanted me to only believe what would control me and make me see only what they wanted me to see and believe.

But I am also learning that the why's will be answered when the time is right, and when I am ready and able to see them. There are things that may never have an answer. Like you, and many others, the only why's we know are what they drilled and brainwashed us to believe. They knew that what they were doing was wrong or they would not have worked so hard making us think it was all our fault. They knew that if we believed we wanted it, then we would never tell anyone. They knew that if we believed no one would believe us, we would never say anything because we did not want to be thought of as crazy.

They wanted us to not get close to anyone, to believe that we were bad and worthless, that we caused it all----it keeps us from knowing the truth they worked so hard to make us believe, that kept the guilt and blame on us and not where it belonged----on them. If we never got close to anyone, it kept us separated and from seeing that life was not supposed to be that way. It kept us right where they wanted us and silent.

Bathany, I validate how you feel, you are not alone. But sometimes our feelings are based on what we were trained or brainwashed to believe. That is not your fault. If that is all you ever knew or saw, how can you believe or even know anything else? But there is the truth and there are others that do understand what you are saying. Even though everyone has gone through different things, somewhere we have asked the same questions and felt/feel like you do. This is not about me, but the only way I know to somehow connect to how you are feeling. To let you know that you are not alone, and that I hear what you are saying and I care.

I am glad that you reached out, that you shared how you feel, and I believe you that this is how you feel and how it is for you. I do not know if anything I said helps but I hope that somewhere it does. You do matter, what you feel matters, and you are worth being heard and validated. Please keep reaching out and know that we do care and are here for you. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts if okay. Always.

dps