I am saddened and concerned for you. Why? Because you immediately think of suicide as a nice solution. I was older than you are now by a couple of years and I got myself into a somewhat similar, though much more minor compared to yours, situation, and the first thought was - a suicide. Some slightly less than 20 years later I had a massive suicide attempt that profoundly changed my life for the worse. A lot of your peers make the same mistakes, or, to frame it even more neutrally, experiment in the same ways you did, but they learn, they shake it and they move on, and you dwell and consider a suicide. Please try to see a specialist. Your mom is being a good sport - many a dumb mother in this situation would have turned against her "fallen" daughter, and your mom joined the support circle, kudos to her! May be as suggested earlier in the thread, she will get you to a therapist if you tell her that the past keeps haunting you and you cannot shake it. Just make sure to first acknowledge her support, before asking for a specialist's involvement.