[QUOTE=RACEKA;1613642]Has anyone had to go through the death of an abusive parent?

Im going through it right now. In fact the old man is having a dinner with his other kids and all grands including my children today, and I was not invited. He's saying goodbye. Hes dying of brain cancer.

This has been so extremely hard for me. Depression doesnt describe it, the word agony is more like it. I too go through the different feelings of wanting him dead already to crying because he's dying. He beat me, molested me, and emotionally crippled me until I cut him off 20 years ago. I thought I had made peace with alot of it after 13 years of therapy, but everytime he did something else (usually using other people against me over these last 20 years) it brought it all back up. Today is one of those days.

I think I grieve the daddy I knew when I was really little-we were two peas in a pod. As I got older, the abuse started right around puberty, then at 14 he raped me one night after getting me drunk at a friends daughters graduation party. In my family "your not supposed to talk about these things", but I went on a talk show (that I was referred to by some detectives) and talked about being abused as a child but never mentioned his name. I was shunned from that day on by him and most family members. In fact it hurts that my kids even went there today because they've had o relationship with him for 20 years either, but they are adults now, making their own decisions.

This is very hard, and grieving sucks. The ambivalent feelings kill, but I know I have to work through it. I just hope and pray that there is peace on the other side of it. I will be 50 this year, and I want the next half of my life to be as good as the last half has been bad. I wrote this poem last night I will share.

POEM

The end is here........no closure, no goodbyes but endless tears.

Daddy I tried to be the good girl you wanted, but that June night you changed my life forever., and thats where it started. I kept my head turned, couldnt look you in face, nothing changed in that room accept the depth of my new found rage. For years the same dream over and over again, till I was a certain age...I was begging to get your attention, but you wouldnt listen, you were always so full of rage. I learned to cope to survive, I walked on eggshells...for in our house your fists were really quick to fly.

The end is here....I never dreamed this would be it...no closure, endless tears and a heart broken in bits. You didnt think I would remember, You didnt think I would talk about it, you didnt think you could lose control of me, but I was dying inch by inch.

I stuggled to breath, I struggled to live, to go on with life as a broken girl, woman, mother and wife, many times thinking of taking my own life. Emotionally ravaged, not knowing who to trust, how to love, or how to be loved I was fair game for every savage. Real love is not supposed to hurt, I wasnt born to walk around feeling like I was dirt.

So now the end is near, no closure no goodbyes just the tears of an injured little girl with an upside down world.

How many times I questioned myself, how many times I blamed myself, how many times I thought if I were better , if I could have forgotten or ignored it...let the past be the past, but that only made the pain grow and last.

Now the end is here, I never dreamt it would end this way...no closure, no goodbyes, just these blazing tears clouding up my eyes.

Its enough pain to carry from age 14, but now after speaking out Im labeled the queen of mean. They do your dirty work, emotionally trample me until I break. Don't they remember how you didnt want them, dont they remember how I coddled them? Don't they remember the sister I was, sacrificing my childhood so they would have one?

Now the end is here, your will die bitter, and my heart is broken in smithers. I can see the emptiness in that well where I was a constant sitter.

The pain is endless and at times takes my breath away. All I ever wanted was your love, I prayed daily to God up above. When you left and went to California I pined away at the window day after day. A mere seven year old who couldn't believe you would leave me and go away. The beatings were hard and left me scarred but nothing compares to this age old hurt in my heart.

Every little girl loves her Daddy, but you have left my life quite shabby. This has been a hurtful silence for 20 years, and it never stopped my flowing tears. Your wish to punish me for speaking out, was deliberate, theres no doubt. People say I should hate you, but in my heart, I know that I was never meant to repeat the things that you do.

Now the end is near, your dying and Im crying. No closure, no goodbyes...just these scars pain and endless tears.