I am trying to hold on wih each day bu it is getting ubearable,I have to wait for my ex to get here because I do not want my family of get my kids. It is so hard because my house is a wreck and I can't manage to make them decent meals. I am so unmotivated I just lay and sit and one place like stone. I drive around alot in my van but I have thoughts of attempting some kind of risky before (when I am alone of course) I feel like such a failure and so useless I feel like I am taking up space that could be used for a better person. I have been thinking about finding better parents for my kids. I appear so week to them and i know they know something is going on. I have been taking about 3-4 ativans at a time to numb my mind, but then I become tired. I asked my doctor for adderell or something like it so I can at least get house work done and focus on one thing at a time opposed to a thousand things. Of course I have other issues that I am dealing with. thanks for listening. I just can't live with myself because my decisions have caused them to stuggle with issues little kids should'nt have to deal with. I really want to die but I can't.