Hi FacingChains, I'm so sorry to hear you are in pain too and allergic to the sun, it's terrible, I feel so guilty because I could go out and I don't whereas there are people which would go out but can't for several problems. I hate me for this.
I ever alternate moments where I think I'm totally wrong and irrecoverable and moments where I'm hopefull and I'm sure I'll manage to do everything I want. I loathe pity me, I loathe crying, I loathe me for this all, I want to react and do all I want. The question is... what do I want? I'm so stupid. I feel broke. I'm an unsuccessful living. I'm disappointing everybody.
In order to answer to Forgive77, my husband knows almost nothing about BDP, he went to only one of my appointments in the past. But tonight I send him a text saying some things and mentioning BPD and he's felt down from the clouds. He's always thought I was healed and, for this reason, he's never interested in BPD, but it was my fault because I've never mentioned my disease over the years 'cause I hate talking about it, I feel guilty and ashamed when I say I'm BPD, so I've almost never speak with him about BPD. This is a stuff that bother me, I don't know why. I never know why. When I went to school, my friends called me "Miss I Don't Know" because I said no other. Oh, my friends, they're so far, I miss them. But at the same time I don't want to meet them 'cause I'm ashamed for my condition, my lack of role in the world. I wish to meet my friend but my shame is bigger and therefore I don't know what I'll do when I'll come back to Italy next time. Oh, sorry, I'm so confused. Anyway, I told my husband there are target theraupetic treatments and now I hope we'll try one of these before I change my mind. But there's another problem here: how can I communicate with the T? By gestures? And... where may I find a T specialaized in BPD and overall a T to trust? Anyway he said that now he knows and can act accordingly for our happyness.
Ok, but I hate talking of BPD to him, to my family, to his family, to doctors and terapists, to friends. I only can to unknown people. It's difficult, it'll be tough, I don't know why (clair) o maybe I do, but now I'm too tired to explain what I mean. Pheraps tomorrow.
Give u, Forgive77 and FacingChains a big big hug.