My T and I have a lot of out of session contact by text- as a fixed arrangement. So much that I am actually too ashamed to write it here, and I've not been ashamed to write anything here before... It's not that I feel ashamed about it in my day to day life, or like I think we're doing anything wrong, it's just that I worry it would sound crazy to other people- even you guys.

Tomorrow is the last day of her ten day holiday and I feel.. securely attached. I love her, and I know she loves me, but this time I haven't needed to constantly think about her, or hold onto the stuff she's given me, or been obsessively doing fractions with the number of days passed/still to go. I've had moments of missing her, but they have been just moments. I feel fairly grown up, and pretty peaceful even though there have been some really hard days this week.

I'm wondering what it would be like to feel like this all the time. To not go back to texting- to know that she's out there, without needing to be near here all the time. I've had lots of times when I've tried to stop contact before, but it's been because it hurts too much, or because I'm afraid she's going to take it all away, or because I'm so frustrated that we're not getting enough work done. This is just- maybe I'm ready.

Just wanted to put out there that this is how I've been feeling recently. If only because when she's back on Tuesday I may well be thrown into ambivalent reunion turmoil and find it impossible to believe I ever felt this secure!.. Thanks for listening