NOTE: Can trigger, very personal.

I apologize before hand if this post is too long:

From the age of 10 till about 19 I was abused by my step father in many ways than one.

One of the things he did, that I believe profoundly affected my mental health, was long periods of isolation. Years of isolation.

The punishment for many of the infractions I commited when I was younger, was a day (many days) without food, and complete isolation in my room, which had nothing but a chair, desk, and some books. I slept on the floor.

Oddly enough, my step father took off the all the doors in my room so he could, "keep an eye on me constantly."

For those years, the only contact I had with other people besides my immedeate family (my mother) was when I went to my public school, and the occasional run to the store for neccesities.

The only way I removed myself from that situation was through doing extremely well in school, and gaining a scholarship to this college I'm currently in now.

These years I have been at the university have opened my eyes to all sorts of things that in the past I could only dreamed about. But at the same time, I have had months and months to sit down and think really hard about what went on back at home...what can still happen when I return back home.

Now that I'm about to finish up my degree, I'm starting to think more and more about what its going to be like to return home.

To return back to a situation that was never resolved, but just delayed.

Every time I think about that room I sat so many long days makes my soul crumble. Anxiety just seems to engulf me.

I think I would snap if I had o return back home to my step father and that room.

My therapist tells me that I'm not that child anymore...the one who talked to himself for hours because there was nothing else to do.

My therapist tells me that I don't have to go home; I'm an "grown man" now.

But she's wrong, I have to go home...I'm expected to. And besides, I have no one else but those people back at home. I don't know anybody but them.

Sadly enough I have a hunch thats the way my step father made it to be.

So here I am, feeling like I'm 10 years old again, and waiting to return back to a very bad situation.

I feel like all those long years I bled and sweated to remove myself from such a hell is about to be erased. I feel like I'm going to do something stupid and end up in a mental hospital some where.

I feel absolutely miserable.