Lilly, you ARE cared about!
I've faced some pretty dark, ugly things about myself too. I looked into what I thought was a bottomless pit of ugly pathetic evilness in myself last summer and thought I didn't even deserve to exist .... so I've been there. I know how it feels. It's hard. I'm so sorry you are there.
But! This I've learned too ... no matter how imperfect and flawed I may be, I am still worthy of existing, I'm still worthy of being loved, I'm worthy of love and compassion, even and especially from myself! And so are you.
There's good in you too. I know that is hard to see when horrible stuff seems so much bigger and tries to elbow the good right out of the way so you can't even see it ... but it's there! I think of how you've offered me support, others support, even when you were hurting ... this is good, this is goodness in you.