Sigh, Lilly, I'm glad you feel that some of his is helping, but I think you're sabotaging yourself by shooting down some of the people who are trying to help you. I'm pretty sure we all understand the state you're in now so it's not a big deal, but I'm worried about whether it's good for YOU.

If you must know, I suggested a mani pedi because you said your fiancé had lunch plans, for which he left at 4:30ish my time in Boston, which made me think you're on the west coast. When I made my post it was well before 7pm PDT, and at that time where I am, you can still get to the mall for a pedi on a Sunday night. But I don't know where you are or even whether you like getting your nails done, so I also suggested the movies or anywhere in public where you can't go nuts.

I'm worried that your jumps to criticize are indiciative of your feeling defeated and hopeless now, by focusing on what you CAN'T do. It is NOT hopeless. It sucks now and as a self harmer I know you must feel like it's all falling apart and meaningless. But this feeling has passed before and it will pass again. Just hang on. It's ok that you did stuff, we all slip.

Please take care of yourself. It's going to be ok. You're going to be ok.