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I am so tired of this. Tired of them still effecting me. It's in the past, why can't it be as easy as they think it is? "Just get over it, it happened a long time ago, you're safe now, get over it" if only it were that easy. I wish so badly that it was. Even when I'm "over" or think I'm "over" the pain of what has been done, it has a sneaky way of catching up to me! I don't know why it was my destiny to be raised the way I was, why I was chosen to see what I saw, why I was in the positions I was in. I just want to wish it all away. It was so easy for others to inflict it, why can't it be that easy for me to rid it? Because growing up I was not given any tools to cope with anything. I was left alone to deal with all of the pain and cope the only way I knew how. By pushing it back, by blacking it out, by taking the guilt on myself. I just want to scream right now.
I can't hate some, I have to, for my sake and theirs, I have to find a way to maintain a relationship but it's driving me mad!!!! I want to scream and pull my hair out and act like a 3 year old having a temper tantrum. There are too many things weighing on me right now. What happened to the day when I could forget it all, focus on the present? When I'm doing that now, I'm triggered so easily. Just one small word beginning in r and ending in e can send me off the edge. So many things. I miss the day where I could push everything to the back, forget it all and keep moving forward. I feel as if I'm stuck in this dark hole and I can't see out. I want out. I want to forget it all. And what I did lose memory wise, I never want to learn. If that means not properly healing, well maybe I just can't properly heal right now. I'm sick of being "sick" I'm sick of things going wrong. I'm sick of being so dang upset all the time and having these intrusive thoughts. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Group therapy? T has a group that focuses recovery on partially letting go of anger, allowing the survivors to take their anger out on certain things, punching bag etc... Perhaps. Perhaps I will just go home, tug on my hair a bit and let the anger build up more and more. I feel like I'm going to explode! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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