I remembered last night why I don't like to cry.

H and I had a rare argument last night. I don't want to go into details about it and we were fine by the end of the night. However, the crying spell that accompanied it carried me straight back to the past.

Sobbing is not a relief for me. Sobbing signals frustration beyond comprehension. I visited (metaphorically) my teenage years with my parents, my first serious romantic relationship, my 20's and my courtship with H, and my relationship with my ex-GF.

Most of the sobbing in these relationships involved me not getting my way somehow. These were my borderline "glory years". In those times, sobbing was accompanied by SI and abuse (verbal from my parents, verbal/physical combinations with my first lover and ex-GF). It was a time of extreme self-hatred.

The argument last night was of little consequence in and of itself, but the tears that accompanied it took me back and reminded me of the reason why I stifle them. I believe everything happens for a reason and the reason for the tears were a part of my processing so I can move forward. I think I need to learn how to use tears in a cleansing way that does not result in the destructive behavior from my past. I did not SI last night, but the urge was strong. I haven't SI'd in 7 years.

I feel horrible today. Hopefully work will distract me from it and I'll get by until I see T Wednesday at 4pm.

Sobbing was not a relief. It was severely triggering.