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Chopin,
First, I'm sorry that you had the triggering experience, but it seems that you at least learned a lot from it. Back in your so-called "glory days" of borderline, do you feel that you used tears as a means to manipulate? If so, could it be that you now avoid or suppress crying because you've tried to eliminate manipulative or false behaviors? Obviously there are lots of reasons for crying that have nothing to do with manipulations--these are just my ponderings.
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"Just as a jewel that has been buried in the earth for a million years is not discolored or harmed, in the same way this noble heart is not affected by all of our kicking and screaming. The jewel can be brought out into the light at any time, and it will glow as brilliantly as if nothing had ever happened. No matter how committed we are to unkindness, selfishness, or greed, the genuine heart of bodhichitta cannot be lost. It is here in all that lives, never marred and completely whole."
Pema Chodron
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