Please don't explode! Can you imagine? Purple monkey hair all over everything! (not making light of your situation, just trying to give you a laugh)
In reference to your mother, I just want to say that you can appreciate all the things she done for you, while still being angry over the ways she failed you. I feel it's important to acknowledge all the emotions, even when they are conflicting. You've been a remarkable survivor. I have faith that you will recover from all this, and there will be a day when you feel better.