Thanks for all the encouragement T is back in the morning and I am starting to get nervous I don't know why I can survive separation but then fall apart at reunion. Well- maybe I do know. My mother is so unpredictable and ambivalent towards me and I never knew/know how she will be when I approach her. T is the total opposite and is the same at reunion as she was at separation- loving and interested and glad to see me- but this seems to trigger ambivalence in *me* and I resist and push her away... and then of course beg her to come back etc etc. It's ugly, and I don't want to be that person anymore, but I'm worried I'll do it again tomorrow.

I suppose I'm also feeling anxious about whether I'll be able to follow through on my decision to stop contact. It really helps to read your responses and remind myself that it can just be a trial to see how it goes. I especially love your idea SpiritRunner of holding onto feeling like this and enjoying it in this moment, rather than getting caught up in worrying about 'forever'. I am also giving myself permission to keep the contact, if that's what feels right, without it being a 'failure'. There are no shoulds, this isn't my one and only chance to stop the contact, it's just about seeing what feels right. Argh! Wish me luck