One good thing that came out of the crisis yesterday is I emailed a bunch of new therapists and this time even though the BPD dx is neither clear nor possibly accurate I told them that I *may* have it and while most of the time I'm fine and healthy, every now and then I crash and when I do it's quite hard and can be a little intense. My biggest fear is that I end up with another T who gets overwhelmed and then dumps me when I need them most. So....

I have THREE appointments with therapists this week. One with Backup T and two with two different potential new Ts.

One sounded really gentle and kind. He said "I'm touched by your description of both your struggles and hard work on yourself. I would be very happy to meet with you to see how we gel..."

The other called and he sounded fine too. Neither sounded at all scared off by the possible BPD.

And in between the two I can check in with Backup T who I think I would like to keep as Backup T. I like the idea of having someone who knows me and knows the big picture keeping an eye on me in the background. If something like this ever goes wrong again I can always call him up.

I said while I do like him I don't feel as comfortable with him as I did with ex-T. He said that's because you were with ex-T for two and a half years. (But also it's kinda because he brought up Thomas Szasz again the last time I saw him and I'm afraid that if he's a devotee of Szasz that approach might be a little harsh and I can't imagine doing real deep healing work in that format. I didn't mention that to him on the phone just now but I can when I see him this week.) Also Backup T has no recourse for emergencies like last night. I can't call him. I can't even email him. All I can do is leave a message on his voicemail and wait for him to call me back Monday morning.

I don't have crises all that often and hopefully I'll have them less and less but when I do, I need someone to be there for me. Somewhere between going to a hospital without no insurance and me drinking and taking pills, there should be a middle ground. And Backup T has none to offer.

I sent both the new Ts links to my blog which has a couple posts on it right now that summarize the two main things I want to work on in therapy (my odd childhood and some work-related trauma from a few years ago).

I want to heal those things. This would be deep, difficult, intensive work. Plus I'm going to have a big hurdle getting over the trust issues I have now around being left again in the middle of a crisis. I need to be absolutely sure I have the right person this time. Then I will begin to heal these wounds and I will come out better and stronger than ever and then nothing will stop me in my evil plans to take over the world!!!! <insert evil laugh>