Dude please let us know how it goes with the doctor.

Take care of that first because it is a big step. But I would also like you to reconsider therapy. I don't think the meds are really meant to work on their own. They are really not supposed to make you feel happy, they are just supposed to relieve the obsticals to happiness, i.e. the chemical imbalance that keeps the depressed state prolonged no matter what you do.

I know you are feeling really really crappy. But going through you posts I think a lot of those issues could be helped with the proper therapy. Maybe look at it this way: having had depression for so long you have learned behaviors that flow from the depression. All the negative things that the depression (untruthfully) makes you believe. A big part of therapy is learning techniques to break those habits and behaviors, to recognize them and put them in the proper perspective, to learn coping skills when they pop up and to ultimately change your behaviors so that they don't reoccur.

You may think you can do this on your own but under the curse of depression these behaviors seem like responses to "reality" when in fact they are a response to the depression's lies.

Therapy can sometimes be a bad experience if you don't have just the right therapist. I hope you can reconsider this and give yourself the chance to find the right therapist for you even if it takes a few tries. Talking with a therapist can be hard for everybody. A good therapist will give you time to develop the trust you need to establish. I don't think anyone should expect to walk into a stranger's office and suddenly unload very personal things. With some time and trust the therapist will no longer be someone "you don't know well" and can become the one person who eases the difficulty about talking about things that are initially awkward.

The reason I feel strongly about this is because you have said that your previous difficulty with the meds is the way they make you feel. Some of them can make you feel "artificially happy" and i found some difficulty with feeling too "well" and not being able to feel sadness... to not about to be moved by a good movie for example.

I get the impression that you think that this time things are so bad that you want to try the drugs again and then just learn to "accept" the way they feel. But I don't believe that is necessary, with the proper medications at the proper dosages for your needs.

I don't think that the meds are supposed to pull you out of the hole of depression. They are just supposed to be a rope. The support of friends and family, and the help of a therapist are the tools you use to enable you to climb the rope. If you are taking doses of meds until you feel better without those other tools that may be why at that point they also make you also feel inappropriate.

Giving therapy another chance may be an alternative to that catch-22 that may work better for you in the long run.

good luck. And I hope for now you just worry about getting to the doc and getting back on some meds. If he is a good doc maybe you can speak with him about some of the things I brought up and see if he can give you some help and encouragement finding someone you can work with.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
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