I'd try the diet, but I'd probably still have to stay on my anti-psychotics in the mean time, or at least until any seizures stopped for sure, since my psychotic symptoms are actually happening in between seizures (if I'm having any). I mean...I could see a 'boo' sort of hallucination being caused by a seizure, but....hours and hours of various hallucinations? That's either some BAD kind of epilepsy, or the psychosis isn't right before or right after or during the seizures, it's...they had a word for it. In between...just cause my brain hates me. :|

I don't know, honestly, I'm kind of terrified to go off of my Abilify, since for me all it does is make me crave carbs/sugar a bit more, and that's it, side-effect wise, but it reduces my hallucinations, delusional thinking, ect -drastically- at 15mg. 10mg barely touches any of it and 'they' will actually tell me to throw the meds away at that dose, but 15 just...bam, knocks it out. When I was in high school my psychosis was a bit more of the grandiose, 'I'm totally enlightened' type, with intermittent scary hallucinations, but mostly I was just in my own world talking to trees and animal bones and...well, a whole range of symptoms... Then I got on Abilify to help with my depression (because apparently if you say most everything in a slightly joking tone, nobody takes you seriously when you say you see shadow people, so I was just 'depressed') and...it was like I had a blank slate appear and my mind slowly unraveled over a few years on the stuff.

Then cue me going off of the meds like...a month before my most recent stuff. Guess who started seeing things again?

This time around, it's like I've -tasted- the real world now, and I don't want to leave. I know it. I can feel it, and my psychosis (or 'they', since really half the time I use psychiatric terms I do it for ease of communication and as a form of self-conditioning)is trying to drag me back kicking and screaming to how I was back then, into a world I'm not used to anymore. I don't have that cocky 'I can handle anything' attitude/delusion I had before that allowed me to deal with the hallucinations. I'm not like that now. I...don't like how I was back then, I...really don't.

I tried to pull a lot of people into seeing things my way then, because it was like...nobody saw things the way I did, the world the way I did. It was really lonely. I probably caused at least a bit of 'folie a' deux'. I was smart, and good at explaining things so that they -seemed- rational, and if nothing else I had some friends play along. But now I can tell how just...unhealthy for me and my friends that was.

Oh wow, did I just realize through type-venting that I have issues with guilt that make me desperately want something to blame for my behavior? I think I did. :|

...*coughs* Sorry for spewing all that. >.<; I guess...basically epilepsy alone wouldn't explain how/why I was psychotic/delusional in high school for like...4-5 years. And that raises a lot of scary questions and just...I don't know. I'm at a place where I -can- admit that I've been delusional, and might not know it all, and that I'm at risk for that kind of thinking, but I would have NEVER been able to even think that until recently. And I'm actually starting to -like- myself now, or at least stand myself better. Because if I know what's wrong and what caused my previous behavior/state of mind, I can guard against it. I can move forward, even if I need meds to do that.

I don't know enough about epilepsy to have that...comfort with it. What I've read about psychosis and epilepsy hasn't sounded good though. It doesn't fit my history/symptoms, and it doesn't really....make sense. I don't know.

Imma stop typing out a novel now. ^^;