My Support Forums - View Single Post - This is my life... I don't know if I can change it...

PurpleFlyingMonkeys · Jun 11, 2012, 07:36 PM

Thank you gretta, I needed that laugh

My daughter LOVES my mom. That's her favorite person in the world. So when I learned my brother was not going camping after all, it was too late to take off work. My mother, knowing I did not want my daughter to go without me, still told my daughter all about it, so for the next two days after my daughter talked about camp non stop. So I caved. But I wasn't a push over at all. I laid down my rules stating she is my daughter and my wishes for her will be met or there will be no more over night visits with my daughter. My mo was understanding and reassuring. I also sent a good family friend who owned the site, and is very responsible, an email expressing my concerns and was reassured by her. My daughter went and had a great time.

But she came back last night. And this morning my daughter (who is 4) was pulling down my shirt trying to see my chest. I wasn't letting her, telling her that's my private part and I keep it to myself and she says "well grandma let me see hers" and I told her "I know honey, when you took a shower with her" (as they have an out door shower at the camp site that consists of a bucket that sprinkles down water and my daughter refuses to go in there by herself) and my daughter replies "No she let me see in the morning" I am so bothered by this. I know my mom isn't molesting her or anything but I'm tired of her pushing the sexual things. My daughter, because of my mother, knows all the unpleasant facts about death (something I've been trying my own approach to in order to not have her afraid, but mom comes in and throws in the same ideas that give me panic attacks) and after a visit with my mom my daughter comes back calling her privates her "jay jay" short for vajayjay. I'm sorry but that is an adult term that even I do not feel comfortable saying. I tell my mother I do not want my daughter learning those kind of things and she minimizes my concerns saying I'm over reacting.

It wouldn't be that big of a deal if I didn't consider my childhood. At the age of 12, mom telling me she was going to buy me a pent house magazine to show me "where everything goes" or the year before when mom got a back massager, while in the living room with my brothers and step father, I was sitting on the couch and she comes up and turns it on and puts it on my privates and started laughing when I pulled away. Or the fact that to this day she asks my brothers if she can see their private part saying "I just want to know if I blessed you in size"

I do NOT and will NOT allow this kind of childhood for my daughter. I was telling my fiance that I'm considering moving across the country so the relationship can stay strictly phone contact. But he's right, we gotta have money to do that. But obviously, with her desire to force a relationship between myself and my brother, the things I realize were not normal or healthy for her to do, and the possibility of her inflicing the same on my daughter, I'm cutting her loose. I have to. It may be impossible to have a close relationship with her. That breaks my heart but I REFUSE to allow any of the dysfunction to carry on to my daughter.

I'm sorry open, I wish you were not in the same position with the anger guilt shame and all. It's really unfair, you deserved better than that. We deserved better than that. If your t has any life changing things to say, please do share, and I would do the same. My t believes I may have PTSD along with generalized anxiety disorder and of course DID, 3 names I've had time and time again, but he's taking his time to diagnose. I don't know where I fall in the mental spectrum but I know it's hard. Eck, life isn't fair, but some of us, it seems like more than just "unfair" things happen. It's more than not being treated equally, it's being treated as if we were some spider or worm or something, just an insignificant creature.

I've cried time and time again when I did have my license, from running over a squirrel or something. I can't kill bugs. The thought that I am treated as if I were them, I kind of feel their pain and don't want to put that on any one or anything. Another thing my daughter learned from my mom though "Kill" and she kills all kinds of bugs. WTH?!?! So frustrated. Obviously things have to change.