In a previous post your wrote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluematador
I oscillated between slow suicides and reckless behavior. I climbed cliffs without ropes. I swam across dangerous rivers. I went out drinking and wandered the streets alone in bad neighborhoods wearing slip dresses and six inch stilettos. Sometimes I would find the scariest looking guy in the bar and take him with me. I was surprised by the kindness and compassion i found in these strangers I fetched for annihilation. I found a big biker wearing a leather vest. His body was covered with tattoos of snakes and Medusa. I brought him home hoping he would rough me up. Instead he held me in his arms on my couch, consoling me until dawn. The next day he sent me flowers. Another drunken evening I found a big bald man standing almost seven feet tall. His face was covered in peircings. His body was covered in sadistic tattoos. He wore a spiked dog collar around his neck. I asked him to come home with me and spank me. I was severely depressed. as he was about to spank me with a wooden spoon he noticed the expression of sorrow on my face. He said what I really needed was a hug and some chamomile tea. He made me some tea and held me in his arms until morning came. He wrote down my address and sent my a prayer written by St Francis. I am trying to learn self compassion and stop the self destruction. I think with self compassion I can learn to ride the storms and create some stability.
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I think I'm beginning to see what you mean, but I'm still not sure I grasp the real meaning behind these actions. To me, if this is madness, then accepting this kind of behavior is not going to solve anything. Accepting it means continuing it, but as you said, you want to stop it and develop self compassion. Of course, I don't see self compassion the same as feeling sorry for yourself. I see self compassion as modesty and being kind to yourself. Modesty is defined as recognizing your limitations and then living within them. Accepting that you have limitations is admirable. Believing you can accomplish things beyond your scope is a mistake. Believing that by defying deliberately not only what you consider to be acceptable (not normal, just acceptable) behavior you can somehow force yourself into a type of acceptances is self defeating. Finally, you can do things that are acceptable and modest. Society will not allow you to do things that are considered mad for very long without locking you in a rubber room, and I doubt that is where you want to be, but behavior like this will get you there. If I would start somewhere when it comes to what you can change, this would be it: Live a modest acceptable life, and don't allow yourself to believe that madness (or however you define this behavior) is to be acceptable or a definition of what you are; because, I for one don't believe it. I believe you are pretending to be something you're not in order to hide from all that is you. When I read what you write, I hear an intelligent responsible person not a crazed lunatic who enjoys fallacious sexual conduct. Not only do I believe that is something you can be, I believe that is what you are. Nobody considers self destructive behavior acceptable. Don't you agree? Friend to friend I mean...I know I am new here, but I want everyone to know I am interested in making friends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluematador
Yes, I am agreeing with you at the same time this is where I struggle with acceptance and stability. It's hard for me to determine when I am going to far. I don't want to confine my ideas to fit the narrow definitions of normalcy. If I try to define myself in those terms I judge myself harshly. I am trying to determine what to accept and what I can change about my behavior.
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