Quote:
Originally Posted by in.neverland
Hunny I'm really grateful for your answer. You took the time to write so much and in a such a detail and really tried to give me advice. I wasn't mad at you as much is I was mad at the other people saying you've hit the nerve  I'm sending you a lot of hugs.
Also I was not sexually abused, but have psychological trauma (maybe another type of abuse), and I think they might be connected because nothing else comes to mind that would be the reason for my sexual and relationship limitations. I think when something happens to us (any kind of traumatic event) it really changes our personality on so many levels that sometimes you don't know from where to start solving your problems. This is one big problem I find really frustrating and I'm sorry to hear you are in a similar situation.  |
I can relate to your problems, though mine is slightly different, nor will i be able to help--because i don't know the answer to my own issues!
First of all, I am also female...but 31 and still a virgin
Not because of any religious convictions, not because i am waiting to meet "the one," and really I don't know WHY i am so afraid of sex, but I am. I've been in therapy for a little over 4 years and still can't touch this topic. So if you can do it in your second session, you are well on your way!
I think I was just a late bloomer/naive in the ways of sex when I was a teen. I had a couple short-term boyfriends, and one long-term one in HS. His family was very Christian, so there wasn't going to be any sex...except I don't even think I THOUGHT about having sex with him-though we did "fool around."
In college I never really dated. I played rugby and basically hung out with all my friends most of the time.I dated this one dude for about a month but his intensity freaked me out. I dreaded going on dates somewhere where we'd be alone because I knew there was the expectation of some sort of intimacy. Kissing/making out, sure...much more past that and it freaks me out. This guy looked me in the eye one night and goes "I want you." I'm pretty sure I broke up with him the next day!
What really gets me confused is that after college I dated a cousin of a really good friend; and he and I had been casual friends for a few years. He was perfect to me..."on paper." He was attractive, funny, sweet, had the same world view as me, PATIENT, and overall a great guy. And for some reason really, really liked me. We had "hooked up" (lots of fondling, i guess) a few times before we dated, and those few times I was very drunk. I do remember enjoying it. When we dated, I didn't mind us going out, but it was whenever we came back to my apartment that I freaked. As the night would get closer to ending I'd dread it more and more and think of ways I could be like "good night, see ya!" and not have to worry about what could come next.
He knew I was a virgin, he knew I needed to go slow, and he NEVER pushed me to do anything I didn't want to do. These are all great things...and yet, after a month or two I broke it off with him. It was too much.
Since then (8 years ago...eesh), I haven't even remotely tried dating. I know that if you meet someone that truly cares for you,t hey won't put pressure on you-and I DID meet someone that didn't...and it still freaked me out. We are still friends though and he STILL is like "you can always come visit me...
" even though he has been married and divorced.
That was quite a long ramble, sorry. I understand your feelings and not understanding what is wrong. The tiny bit I have brought up with my T--I told her once that I thought maybe I was just asexual. She said that she didn't think so, but I could turn off those needs, so it feels like I never had them. Which is the truth in my overall life. I don't even like the word "needs" when it comes to me! BUT, i also wouldn't say i had "trauma" in my life, either. That is where I am stuck, and mostly feel like it always will be like that. Especially since I may never actually talk about any of this in therapy.
I know that was completely unhelpful-but just another story to show you are not alone