I'm 50...51 in August. I didn't think much of last years birthday other than damn...50 friggin' years and where am I in life??? Then I said cusswords maybe and got on with life. I don't recall it being a big deal much. I was alone and maybe ate a pizza or something. There was no-one to ruminate with and discuss the thing like many birthday events inevidibly do.

My mind doesn't feel old. I'm entertained by much my more ma-toor peers would stick up their noses at. I've maintained aspects of being a big kid and it's kept me I think from being even more effed up by my illness. I'm somewhat a creative mind in respects. I think that's where that comes from. And I have no problem with it.

I'm blown away by the fact I have an average of 20 years left to me. THAT bothers me when i think of it some days. I'm not worried about being old and unprepared for my 'golden years'. I could give a rats ***...I'm tough enough to handle that I'm sure. Change is fairly gradual as we age ...I'll have more afflictions and health complications but I'll adapt I think. It'll suck perhaps but life has sucked for a long long time. yeah...I'll likely adapt.

But 20 years??? wow..I don't like that. The last twenty went like a bullet. That's what I don't like. And if anything is a fire under my *** regarding the fight with my mental issues it's that. I want to have some contentment while I trudge to my end. I want some satisfaction that I tramped around on Mudder Earth and experienced a good life without fear.

I don't want to die knowing fear and lonliness. If I died tonight it would be that way. Shite...I don't want to die feeling guilt either. I'd like to live the rest of my life saying, man this shite is sure weird but really interesting! While I could appreciate it.

We're one of billions who have passed. To say little of the unfathomable numbers of other living creatures. It'll be ok. That's all I know. I'm not worried about death near as much as the time leading up to it.