Quote:
Originally Posted by Leed
Hi ~ I AM a recovering alcoholic and I know one thing. You can threaten all you want, but only UNTIL he is ready to stop drinking completely for HIMSELF, will he do it. He has to want it more than ANYTHING else or he won't stop. He can't do it for YOU or anyone else. You can beg, threaten, bargain, cry, etc., and it won't work.  If he doesn't hit his own "bottom" he just isn't going to quit.
I sure hope he does tho, cause he sounds like a decent guy, which is true for MOST alcoholics. Usually they're good, decent, people who just can't handle life on life's terms. They don't know how to live day-to-day. They might be GREAT in a crisis, but it's the everyday stuff that trips them up. At least that was the way it was for me.
I'm GLAD you're getting away from him -- at least I HOPE you are because if you stay with him, you're hurting him -- you're enabling him. By getting away from him, you're making him see what he's doing to himself and making him face his responsibilities. You won't be tripping the land mines anymore for him.
I wish you the best. I hope he quits. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee
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Leed couldn't be more right. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and nothing was enough to stop the drinking, and it ultimately led to my father's death in his early 60's. When sober, my dad was a nice guy and I was very much a daddy's girl, but that wasn't often. I knew him most of my life as a drunk, who was not functional, didn't care how his drinking affected his wife or children, and did whatever he could to keep drinking. After maxing out credit cards, we found out that he was trying to sell our house in secret to get more money to drink! It's amazing, the influence this legal drug can have.
I was damaged from that and my mother's abuse, but I lived my entire life watching him die and without the love of either parent. Alcohol destroyed my life and I suffer from so many problems as an adult because of it. And to see someone you love wither away? That would be worse to see than to feel the pain with the nasty things he's done with the texting, etc. Both of you deserve better than that. He needs to feel that he's worth more than he does for him to stop doing this to himself and you, and you need to know that you are worth more than he is willing to give you right now.
The good news is that he recognizes and seems to admit that he has a problem. That really is the first step, but ultimately he needs to seek help. He cant do it for you, because of you, or be forced by you. That may get him in the door but if he doesn't do it for himself, he won't stick to his treatment.
Personally, I believe you have a couple ways to approach this, and let me tell you why. As Leed said, nothing you can do will make him stop, but it can be it may be helpful for him to have a support system in place. Sadly but realistically, that shouldn't really be you but something like Sober Living or Alanon and or therapy. I think that you can give him the ultimatum to get help, or the two of you are done. And if he does get help, hopefully your relationship can continue as he seeks it. Maybe in the meantime, you slow things down and see him much less, maybe only communicate by phone most days of the week or something, but keep your distance.
I only say this because I am not entirely sure how serious the two of your are, but I don't think that you are at the point that the relationship is over. I believe Individuals can still receive help with personal problems while in a relationship but you do need to be careful. There is, of course, is always a line to be drawn. If he says he will get help, but doesn't keep up his end of the deal to attend AA meetings, whatever the kind of help he is getting, then walk out the door and tell him you're sorry but you can't do this anymore. It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to attend some Alanon meetings yourself after these experiences for some healing and advice.
I can't say how glad I am to hear that the two of you are living separately because if you lived together, this would be so so so much worse. I hope I understood that correctly that you have your own place.
Good luck
