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Jun 12, 2012, 08:38 PM
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Member Since: Oct 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 6,543
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Bless your heart -- You've been thru a lot of trauma.  And like f.reliant said, talking to a trained professional is the right thing to do. I KNOW you said you don't want to -- but believe me, you need to!
You've been carrying around this hurt and pain for many many years, and it's time to give it to someone else to dispose of. You can't continue to carry this anyone. It's not enough to tell US -- although that helps.  But we can't really dispose of it for you -- we aren't trained to tell you how to REALLY put it to rest so that it won't rise again to haunt you. You need someone who can teach you how to bury this so it won't badger you ever again! And you have to KNOW that NONE of this is your fault - you may be blaming yourself without even knowing it. So self-forgiveness is part of the whole thing too!
Please get a referral to a good therapist -- it may be difficult at first, but once you feel comfortable with him/her, you'll be glad you went. I've been thru therapy, and it made me feel like the weight of the world was llfted from my shoulders. I hope you will think about it -- ridding of yourself from this nightmare is very important for your mental health.
God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee 
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