I am new here, I just started going through a bad flare up, episode or whatever you want to call it. Seems like there was allot of triggers looking back and I guess I just broke. I am a victim or CSA I say victim because I had never dealt with the pain or emotions of what was done to me and I have not snapped out of this so I am hesitant to call my self a survivor.

(A little background)
My mother was sick after suffering a miscarriage and my dad was an abusive alcoholic my brothers and I were removed from the home and placed in foster care, Unfortunately the same people that were supposed to protect me did the worse things possible to me.

The abuse lasted close to 2 years from 4-6 years old father, son and nephew and I have always remembered I never cold forget, I could talk about it but there was absolutely no emotions.

(Current Life)
About a month ago I started feeling like I needed to run, from myself, from everything and everyone and I couldn't understand what was going on with me, I started getting panic attacks and I just started breaking down, sobbing uncontrollably shaking physically and dissociating seems constantly and that's where I am now, a giant mess of a man that feels helpless, hopeless, I feel like I am going to feel this way forever, I feel broken and I can't grasp why, why after all these years why.

While I have been dissociating I have noticed that I am cycling back and fourth between partially me now and me then I never feel quite connected to "ME" I feel numb, I feel his feelings which conflict my feelings now on everything from my wife to work, everything.

Does anyone with DID cycle between their own child self? How can you make it go away or can you?

I am just exhausted searching for answers and to make this stop.