i'm sorry my post sounded harsh.

take a couple deep breaths.
do you really think i hate you?
can you remember some of the things i've posted to you?
can you remember some of the times we have chatted?
can you remember me saying anything hurtful or mean?
take a couple deep breaths.
do you really think i hate you.

i love you deneb.
you mean a great deal to me.
i've stuck by you since i've known you
and i'm not planning on withdrawing my support just yet...
;-)
i'm not going to turn on you.

but...

i posted out of anger too.
i'm sorry for that.

deep breaths for me.

you aren't scum.
you didn't do anything wrong in telling people that bob hugged you.
but you have been asked not to talk about him on these boards...

kids start out with an egocentric world view
they think they are at the centre
the world revolves around them
insofar as they ARE the world
then as they grow older they discover their needs are not
(can not be) met on demand.
that is a hard time... a hurtful time...
THE WORLD ISN'T FAIR!!!!!
boy do i rail at that at times...

but our parents love us
and they show us how to cope
and they show us skills for coping with
the obvious disappoitments in life

and some people have a hard time learning that
because their needs weren't met
and that is harder to cope with
because their emotions / distress was much more intense
and that is harder to cope with
because their parents didn't model healthy ways of coping with the distress
and the distress is harder to cope with

but it is something that people need to learn.

i understand that real life relationships can be hard
people do hurt and let down and disappoint
people do have their own needs and that means they can't always focus on our needs on giving us what they need
and that can be a hard thing to cope with
and i get this push pull thing where i push people away because they will disappoint me because they have disappointed me
and i pull people because i long to be closer and because i long to feel more connected with them
and i vaccilate
and sometimes i need the person to just get the hell away from me
and sometimes i need them to be closer
and real life relationships can be hard

and then there are ideals...
there are ideals that we can fall in love with
and we can kind of come to terms with minimal input from a person
indeed because there is minimal input there is so much for our interpretations and our projections

and there is something in that
and i understand.

but as i have said if you foster the ideal
what happens is that you will swing to disillusionment
it is like how if you focus on the negative things
really focus on them your distress is worse
if you focus on the ideal really focus on it
then the let down is only going to be more painful

i know it is hard...
but a balanced view... is more likely to turn to long term caring
whereas falling in love with an ideal... leads to a short term high
and a long term fall
and some people fall into these patterns in relationships
over and over and over
they meet someone and they think they are wonderful
the perfect person and they will save them
and then the person does not live up to expectations
and they ignore those aspects trying to retain the ideal
and all of a sudden the good feelings go and then disillusionment kicks in

that is why it is important to foster a middle ground.

you are self focused.
but then... a lot of people are.
i can be quite self focused too lol.
;-)

there is a difference between TALKING
and DOING

but how are you supposed to know if people don't teach you?

it is hard. sometimes i look at myself and i don't really like what i see. sometimes there are things that can be hard to face up to.

YES you deserve to be happy...
but you deserve to be happy through your life
not intense high now and intense low later
vaccilation... vaccilation... through your life
YES you are a wonderful person
i think you really are
you can be wonderfully supportive and caring at times
you can
you can be wonderfully empathetic
i think that people with borderline personality disorder...
scrap that...
i think that people with intense emotions
people who have to learn how to manage those
i think that they have a gift in the sense that...
once they have learned something of it
they have more capacity to empathise with others
BECAUSE THEY KNOW HOW IT FEELS
but it takes time.

yes sometimes you should post caring responses to others whether you feel caring towards them or not
why?
because it is possible to act ones way into feeling different.
how so?
because if i post a caring response to someone who i don't know
they might respond
thanks for that
and you know what? then i feel even more favourably disposed to them.

so yes you should do that.

this is hard.
i understand i had to learn the hard way
and i think i should be more gentle
i should be a lot more gentle with this
and i'm very sorry but at this point in time
i don't know how to be.

this will hurt a little.
did you get to go to the babble meet last time?
did you want to go?
a lot of people wanted to go but they couldn't go
it was impossible for them to go
and it is hard for them when people come back from the babble meet
and talk about having met and say things like 'now we feel so bonded' and 'this changes everything'
because they feel left out.
they feel left out.

and your posting about it every day...

is hard for people.

and people who have history of sexual abuse...
where that sexual abuse started with what is referred to as 'grooming' where the person offered a lot of hugs and brought the kid alchohol and stuff...
that is a hard thing to cope with
and when you post about him in a way that is idealised where you focus on the qualities you have projected onto him
when you say you love him you love him you love him
it can bring back memories of abuse
and people worry for you and people feel mistrustful of bob for (what may be seen as) fostering those feelings in you
and it brings back memories of abuse
and people feel worried for you
and when they think of their lives...
they feel sick

so when you post every day about your bob love
that is hard for people

and you don't know this.
i understand that you don't know this.
how are you to be expected to know
if nobody tells you?
so i'm letting you know.

i'm not trying to manipulate you
or cajole you
into working on your idealisation
into working on your posting style

i'm going to use an i statement
this is about how i feel

when you post a lot about how much you love bob and how much you love him for his faults as well, when you post a lot about him hugging you

then i feel...

worried for you (because of my history of abuse)
nauseous (because of my history of abuse)
left out (because i couldn't go)
mad (because i feel like bob turned on me)

and when did he turn?

he blocked me while he was at the babble meet deneb.

he knew i wasn't going to aprove of the hugging...
because i'd talked about that already
about how he couldn't go around doing that
because we would lose respect for him if he did.

seems he disagreed.
and he blocked me for saying x
while he didn't block others for saying things that were comperable
he didn't read my posts charitably
he won't converse with others...
he won't converse with me...
about why he did that.

and you can't face that because of your ideal...

and so you see now our issues really do clash...

but i'm letting you know how i feel.

just so you know. just so you know that that is why i (and others) have a hard time reading about your bob love...

and why others may be mistrustful of what he did... of what he is doing... of what the ***** he is up to.

instead of talking about it...

maybe it is time to... just do it as best you can
and trust...
trust...
trust people enough that they will notice that you are noticing
they will notice that you are...

trying to help other people because of how they feel

and not expressing your feelings
expresssing your feelings

with little regard for the feelings of others.

clash of the issues and stuff...
but there is a lot of hurting people in the world
and sometimes...

it is about meeting them half way
half way

for every new thread you start
one reply
(just as thoughtful)
to another

that is meeting people half way deneb

do you think that is too much to ask?

i do care about you.

hunt through the archives for my past posts
if you doubt me.