pheeew i don't know how to start sayin what i have to say and why in such situations where it is most important for me to talk and defend myself i just go quiet and lost.. i just know i'm in deep pain for the 6 years wasted for someone who today tells me that he can't provide me with the much attention i'm asking for so as to be able to forget the pain that he gave me by cheating on me while i was pregnant for his child..
now that i fink about it the marriage was always a question of time to be broken coz since the beginning we were not on the same grounds he was much more with his friends and colleagues whenever possible and home would be his last and latest end place.. that is back to me.. sex not to say was like once in a blue moon since most often he would be late and i would be in bad mood but still waiting for his first step but then would fink he stinks alcohol and haven't washed himself before coming to bed so i would just sleep and so it went along.
now after the cheating period i told him to cover me with so much love that i would just ignore the cheat but he said he can't fake it but with that woman all talking and sex thing was easy so why not with me his wife..then perhaps i'm not the one for him..
yesterday he txt me asking why i was still in contact with my ex. all me exs we ended in good terms and are still friends with our limits so they happen to take of my news at times and 2 of them know through what i'm going and they once txt to see if i'm ok. i know we are only friends i swear and i don't want to get involved with anyone else not now not after..
so he saw nice friendly meesage and began doughting and i was bad i told him that i was like him he said its the messages that's putting him in this status and why should i go about explaining about my innocence when he still refuse to give clear explanation about his own acts.. yesterday i sat with that. i asked again and again but he says he has nothing to say but is expecting me to explain my friendship so i should just cut off from the whole world but he will enjoy.
so i got fed up and i said it i want divorce. i'm in great pain finking the effect it will have on my sweet baby but i can't take it anymore.. i can't live a life thats fake..
however today i woke up at 5am cooked food as usual even if i didnt really sleep at night but my child comes first she should have her food ready and i prepared everything as usual thought he wouldnt ride me to work so i asked he woke up at 6.45 and we supposed to get on road at 7.20. i woke up my child and he fed her cereal and i gave her her bath and left her with his mother and came to work. i'm not really in a good state of mind to work all mails coming in seem same on awrkward what to do with them..
what will happen to me the battle has started i know he won't let me leave so easily as this is his habit.. and the battle for my daughter GOD please give me enough courage to go through this now that i know i'm all alone on this path just with the support of PC. is there any lawyer around who cn guide me????
ahhh the cost divorce how will i deal with all that and continue looking after my baby as if everything ok.. i can't even cry at home she would be in bad shape seeing me like this.. but i feel she somewhat knows that mum and dad is not working as should...