Quote:
Originally Posted by littleme420
I am new here, I just started going through a bad flare up, episode or whatever you want to call it. Seems like there was allot of triggers looking back and I guess I just broke. I am a victim or CSA I say victim because I had never dealt with the pain or emotions of what was done to me and I have not snapped out of this so I am hesitant to call my self a survivor.
(A little background)
My mother was sick after suffering a miscarriage and my dad was an abusive alcoholic my brothers and I were removed from the home and placed in foster care, Unfortunately the same people that were supposed to protect me did the worse things possible to me.
The abuse lasted close to 2 years from 4-6 years old father, son and nephew and I have always remembered I never cold forget, I could talk about it but there was absolutely no emotions.
(Current Life)
About a month ago I started feeling like I needed to run, from myself, from everything and everyone and I couldn't understand what was going on with me, I started getting panic attacks and I just started breaking down, sobbing uncontrollably shaking physically and dissociating seems constantly and that's where I am now, a giant mess of a man that feels helpless, hopeless, I feel like I am going to feel this way forever, I feel broken and I can't grasp why, why after all these years why.
While I have been dissociating I have noticed that I am cycling back and fourth between partially me now and me then I never feel quite connected to "ME" I feel numb, I feel his feelings which conflict my feelings now on everything from my wife to work, everything.
Does anyone with DID cycle between their own child self? How can you make it go away or can you?
I am just exhausted searching for answers and to make this stop.
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what you call "cycling" here in NY USA we call "Switching" . yes before I was integrated I switched back and forth from being me and being the alters... thats what DID is Alternate personalities taking control. its the first diagnostic criteria for having DID...
unfortunately the only way to stop switching back and forth from the aware you and the alter parts of you is by integrating , by that I mean you and the alters all merge together to form one whole person again. once you do that theres no more switching.
some people learn how to establish what here in NY is called co consciousness. it doesnt prevent switching into alters, it just allows you to be aware of whats going on when the alters are in control, it allows you to hear what your alters are talking about and some learn how to communicate with their alters, again communication doesnt prevent the switching, it just makes it easier because you know whats going on and why the alters are taking control.
some people here have also learned whats called grounding, thats finding ways that work for you that allow you to remain aware of whats going on, stay focused. again it doesnt prevent all the switching because thats what having DID is/means but it can make things a little easier on you because it will allow you to remain aware and focused more than you do without grounding for other dissociative symptoms that come along with having DID for some people like anxiety, spaciness, ,,,
you dont say you are DID. things like grounding can still help even if you are not did and your switching is more mood related or feeling different kinds of states, other than alters.
some therapy approaches also help those with trauma related forms of dissociation like EDMR. that works by calming your anxiety and helps you work through the trauma you went through..
my suggestion contact a treatment provider near you, they can help you learn all kinds of ways to ground and calm yourself so that you dont dissociate so much.