lately it has been my pare&ts birthday. yeah both of them in the same week. i have been feeling so guilty about the pass that i am pretty much trying to do anything for them to make it up. i started hurting my self when i was a teen. i am now twenty nine. i also had ed issues. now i am not in therapy and once in a blue moon i will hurt my self. my mom threw me out and my dad couldnt put up with it . and either could my aunt when i went to live with her. but i feel guilty. i feel guilty for be such a problem child and causing so many problems for them. i hated my step dad and he did three yrs ago on my mom's birthday. i feel like a failure in there eyes. i have had several hospitalization and therapy and dx. i dont go any more and i am just trying to get through school but it is hard. i can't seem to do anything right at home. my friend is angry most of the time. i want to die. i feel guilty for feeling this way and i feel guilty for the past even though i can't change and have to learn from it. but i dont seem to care. i just want to die but so afraid i wont if i attempted suicide. my friend is convinced i have DID. i have no idea what i have. everyone changes there mind and i dont trust therapist anymore. plus my parents wont talkt o me if i am in therapy orhurting my self. i told my mom in when i was in first grade or so that my stepfather walked in on me in the bathroom. and in nineth grade i wrote a paper about him raping me for yrs. she was peeved. and told me why do you want to start trouble? i feel guilty for everything. i have memories come up but i dont have a clue if they are real or what. i feel like i am all alone. i dont have anyone i can ask either because i am an only child. i did have 2 stepsisters but they stopped coming to our house when i was seven . they were seven and 1. i havent seen one of them since we were both 13. i dont know what to think.